I Can't Fall In Love With You

I was having a conversation with a girl in class one day when she casually asked me, "Why aren't you in a relationship?".

I thought about it for a second, and then simply said, "Honestly, I just don't want one." She looked very confused, and I could tell by her expression and long pause that she didn't really understand my answer and wasn't quite sure what to say. She simply responded, "Why?"

Class began right after that so I didn't get a chance to answer, though I'm not even sure what I would've said in that moment. However, I couldn't stop thinking about the question.

"Why?"

As if something was wrong with me because in this moment in my life I am choosing to be alone.

I was slightly offended because honestly, I've never been happier than I am right now. But as I replayed the conversation over and over, I began to understand why my response may have been equally as puzzling to her. We come from a generation that thrives on Instagram relationship goals and casual hook-ups. Everyone is so focused on finding the one that they will settle for just someone. And for a long time, I was this way, too. After a three-year relationship and a few flings that were doomed from the start, I made a drastic change and decided to start dating someone new. Myself.

And let me tell you, she's great. *flips hair*

She taught me that it's okay to be selfish. Because when will I ever be at the age again when it's okay for me to pack up and move 400 miles away? There will come a day when I will have a spouse and a family who will depend on me, but for now, it is vital that I'm making decisions based on no one but myself. I, for once, can do whatever I want.

She taught me that I don't need another half. The problem with everyone searching for their other half is that in doing so they are in turn claiming that they're only half a person. I don't want another half; I want another whole.

She taught me not to settle. I spent a long time finding my identity in other people. Who liked me, what they thought of me, etc. The problem with this, if you haven't figured it out already, is that people will disappoint you. If you are deeply rooted in who you are and who God has created you to be, then you should know what you deserve. Do not let people convince you that you are too picky, because you are the one who will be living with the consequences of a settled relationship if you do.

She taught me how to be genuinely happy and to make sure that that happiness stemmed from no one but myself and the blessings that I have been given. Having someone to add to your happiness is beautiful, but you do not need to look for someone to provide it. Because how do you expect to ever be happy with someone else if you can't even be happy with yourself?

She taught me that it's okay to laugh at my own jokes and sometimes eat ice cream for dinner. To sit and watch sunsets alone and sing to myself in the car. I'm 20 years old and will never be younger than I am in this moment. My life does not begin when I find someone who loves me, it began when I started loving myself.

I know that God has already written me a beautiful love story and will one day send me someone who will encompass all the things I've dreamed about having in a man. But as for right now, I'm way too busy falling in love with myself to even consider falling in love with you.