As an introvert, I’ve always been aware that making connections with people is difficult. I’ve never been able to just jump right into a situation and immediately become best friends with everybody around me.

As a military kid, this has proven to be even more of a challenge. Many people think that being a military kid means making friends more easily. In some ways, this is true. I’m able to connect with a larger variety of people because of the way I grew up. Within only 19 years of life I’ve been more places and met more people than most young adults around my age—these people I’ve met have been from all over the world, resulting in my early exposure to culture upon culture upon culture.

So, yes, I am more adaptable because of my childhood. Yes, I am friendly. Yes, I love people. No, I do not make deep, satisfying connections with people easily.

And I’ve realized something lately. Never in my life have I stuck around in one geographical location to develop the deep, satisfying connections I crave. The longest I have lived someplace was 4 years and even there my friend group shifted so that my introvert shell never had enough time to crack around these people.

But the reason my shell never cracked around these people is because once I felt it trying to break even a bit—once my friendships began taking on a deeper level of meaning, I started to distance myself.

I could not allow them into my heart of hearts because I would be moving or they would be moving and this wasn’t going to last. I was protecting myself. It was a mechanism of defense against inevitable hurt. If I distanced myself before either of us moved away, I would spare us from further heartache.

But I didn’t come to recognize this pattern in my life until this past week. It has been something unconscious that somehow found its way in and took hold of me.

Being at college for my second year now, I’m constantly surrounded by the same people all the time. I’m not used to this in the least. This is new. This is uncomfortable. I have the same friends, more or less, that I did my first year and that has been a strain on my military kid brain.

I unconsciously began to push away one of my closest friends because we were getting too close. Although I’ve always longed for friendships with depth, when they finally enter my life, I grow uncomfortable and even dislike the very notion of depth. It sounds quite horrible, but it’s true. I don’t want it to be true.

Yet I’ve also learned that I am not alone. Sadly enough, this is a common thing among military brats. It’s an unconscious self defense mechanism that deploys when we feel that continuing a friendship with a person will only result in eventual, inevitable pain on both sides. So we cut it short in unknown hope that it will spare either of us from more pain. But it doesn’t.

In ending, this is a note of encouragement for my fellow military brats. When tensions rise in your relationships, understand why. You are not alone. This is not the end. Don’t push your friends away. Value them. Understand them. Take the time to know them. Explain the way you grew up and how that affects your friendships. They will be grateful. You will be grateful.

This is also a note of awareness for my non-fellow-military-brats. If you have a friend who is a military brat, be aware that this is something that could possibly happen. Do not panic. It is normal. We often cannot help it. Be patient. Be there. Be loving. Listen to them. Hopefully everything will work itself out. We often don’t understand why we grow so uncomfortable…because this is something that has intertwined itself with our lives from the beginning of our parents’ career. Share this article with them. Let them know that everything will be okay and you are there for them. But don’t try to understand. Just be there.