Like a claw mark, it must be sudden, and fierce. It must flick mysteriously up, and send terror into those who witness it. Unlike you who must hide in the jungle stalking until you pounce. The swoop must announce who you are... So who are you?

You are a person who wants to jump on a dying, yet never to end fad! So let's momentarily slip out of the jungle Vietcong-style, and learn some fucking devastating beauty tips.

Step 1. Prep work! A.k.a. Eyelid primer! I used to think this shit was bull, but recently I changed up my foundation (holla Pür) and found that my lids were a bit greasy, and nothing would stick to them. After a few frustrating attempts, something clicked, and I pulled out one of the many samples of the Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion they keep giving me in an attempt to make it happen. Unlike fetch, this did happen!

Plan B. Now that your lids are a blank canvas lets graffiti it up a bit, shall we? I know there are many different schools of thought about the order of the many things we put on our lids... JK, if you're looking it up it's all eyeshadow first, then eyeliner, then mascara. I'mma come out and say I do liner first, and third, and sometimes fifth, and seventh. Having hooded eyes it has always been a problem to make them pa-pop open, so I look at eyeliner as an architectural map to defining my eyes. I need a blueprint; a structure in which to create my eye couture around. This is the magic of beauty. Everything is a lie. A beautiful, beautiful lie wherein I look like I am actually awake instead of in a tired stupor. I may not ever be fully awake, but at least I can look the part.

So first you start with the outer corner of your eye. Pull the skin taut, and starting from said outer corner drag the tip the eyeliner diagonally up and out. Then starting with the end point of that line make another line back to your lash line in order to create a triangle. Fill the triangle, then trace your lid to the inner corner.

Voila! Perfect cat eye! No, not really. This shit is difficult, but not unmasterable. PRO TIPS: If your hands are unsteady don't be afraid to lock your elbow down on a table and get a little too friendly with the mirror. Also start with a small wing, and build it out from there. It's much easier to correct a smaller cat eye than the ginormous one you just drew on crooked. Line, line, line and reline. It doesn't have to come out perfect on the first swipe. Just keep at it. Keep a Q-tip on hand to correct any mistakes, though make sure to move slowly, and with purpose, otherwise your correction will be the biggest mistake you make. I generally just lick the Q-tip (or if I'm really natty and don't want to get up, the end of the closest eyeshadow brush), but if you don't want to be a germ farm, you can use makeup remover or concealer. I just find that the oils in the makeup remover run really easily causing your makeup to smear, and concealer is just adding more shit onto your face.

No. Three. Eyeshadow. Do your thang. In your colors. In your style. I'm boring in all shades of black, but occasionally if I'm feeling romantic I'll pull out some pinks and purples.

Paso Cuatro. See that eyeliner that has faded since you put eyeshadow over it? Fucking trace over it! This way you already have the perfect cat eye map! Any imperfections are covered/blurred by the eyeshadow, and now you can just line over your own hard work, making your eyeliner the star of your face.

FIN. Mascara.

Congratulations! You have now probably completed something that vaguly resembles a cat eye and are perhaps horrified that you read all of this rambling for what little results were actually gained, but... BUT remember, perfect takes practice, and your shit is just going to run anyway, cuz it's really humid in the jungle. Plus if you pounce fast enough your prey won't even have a chance to check out your liner game before you tear out their throat!