We all have to admit that we’re guilty of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions when it comes to what we believe that others are thinking when they say or do something. One of the most interesting and useful skills that I have recently been introduced to is "mentalizing," our ability to understand ourselves and others, the motivations behind their words and actions, and becoming more in tune with those around us and our own emotions.
I am by no means a pro at mentalizing. The concept is still new to me, but its function and effectiveness fascinate me. Three core approaches which help with communication in this process are “I wonder,” “I’m curious,” and “Help me understand.”
In using mentalizing as your method of approach when confronting someone about something that they said or did, from whom you may have sensed negative connotations, you are addressing the problem in a non-confrontational manner; your aim is not to force the other person into admitting that they were wrong, or to extract an apology. Rather, you are trying to understand what their reasons were, and admitting that there are reasons behind everything a person does, perhaps to you, that may not necessarily have anything to do with you. It may be a surface issue, or the cause of their irritation may be some deeper, more troubling event or problem on their minds.
As you delve into the skill, you come to learn that just because someone acted out against you, it doesn’t mean that you were the source of their emotions. Those three questions, especially “Help me understand,” are there as guides in your thought process before and while trying to discuss the reason behind some perceived attack on you. In the few days since I have been introduced to the concept, I’ve seen and heard of mentalizing working wonders in conflict resolution. It’s so much more helpful (and healthier) to properly discuss and come to understand the emotions and thoughts of others than it is to assume that, without any deeper thinking or attempt to connect with the person in question, you know the reason for everything that they have said or done to you.
This also helps a great deal when it comes to issues stemming from miscommunication because many people tend to feel attacked by statements that were either meant to be gentle corrections or simple questions. Making sure that someone understands the difference between an accusation and an inquiry is incredibly important and often lies in the tone of voice that someone uses when they speak. But it also relates to word selection, as some phrases may sound more hostile than others.
The overall idea behind this short, somewhat vague article about mentalizing isn’t to condemn anyone for jumping to conclusions — because let’s face it, we’re human and we do that. But my hope is that, at least, I've introduced the concept of mentalizing as a possible method for dealing with issues that may arise through communication (or lack thereof), body language, and other actions. It’s difficult to do — you don’t always want to try to learn about the "why" of something when you already think you do know it. Next time, however, give it a go. Don’t immediately say, “They didn’t invite me because they hate me,” or “That person said that to me because they think I’m a bad person” (I'm guilty on both counts). Instead, first think about the possible reasons, and then, if you still aren’t convinced, try to talk to them about it. But remember — there’s a difference between “I feel like you gave me a negative response. Help me understand why you did that,” and "You keep attacking me and I KNOW you hate me!”
