My identity is affected by a number of factors. My gender, my race, my socioeconomic status, my schooling, my family, my friends, and a multitude of other things all affect it. But one thing also affects my identity in a way that is not discussed often enough: my mental illness.
In the tenth grade, during that awkward stage when teenagers are trying to figure out who exactly they are, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder. These two disorders have persisted for over five years now. I’m currently a junior in college, and I’m having issues figuring out which parts of me are wholly and completely me and which parts of me are from my mental illnesses.
For example, I don’t know if I’m naturally a borderline pessimist/realist or if that’s due to my depression. I don’t know if I’m naturally a worrier or if that’s just my anxiety. I don’t know if I care a lot about what people think or if I wouldn’t care at all if I were to be cured of my illnesses. I don’t know if I would be as perfectionistic without my illnesses. It’s hard to separate my own qualities from my symptoms, and that’s difficult. I can hardly remember a time where I did not have these illnesses.
I don’t mean to say that the identity crisis I’m experiencing is universal, nor do I mean to say that all of the impacts my mental illnesses have had on my identity have been negative. In fact, I believe that my mental illnesses have also had positive and lasting impacts on me. I have become a more empathetic and sympathetic person because of it, particularly for the internal suffering that many people go through. I have become passionate about mental health advocacy and have chosen a path in clinical (abnormal) psychology, which I might not have done otherwise. I have done a lot of research about mental illnesses, both those I do and do not have. Although the definition of a better person is subjective, I believe that I have become a better person because of it.
Therefore, I can’t really separate my mental illness from my identity. I am a person with a mental illness; it’s a part of me and has changed me in various ways. Having this identity, though, has introduced me to a community of people with similar identities to mine. I have met amazing people with mental illnesses and compared experiences. My relationships have become stronger and deeper than they might have been otherwise.
The intersection of mental illness and identity is a complicated one, but it’s also one that needs to be discussed. Many people are afraid to bring it up because of the stigma surrounding mental illness. However, I think considering it can help to bring out the positive impacts and combat the negative aspects of the impact on identity.
