My Struggle With Mental Illness

My Struggle With Mental Illness

One of my earliest memories is my first panic attack and it went downhill from there.

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It was October 2000, I excitedly wore my sister's hand-me-down pink Power Ranger costume and at Kindergarten, we were having a Halloween party. I was ready to go, but that's when I ended up on the couch head spinning, stomach nauseous, and heart pounding. At the time, I didn't know what was happening to me. I thought I had gotten sick, but, that was the first panic attack I remember experiencing. I stayed home, and I am still bitter that when I went to class the next day, no one saved me any candy. My 5-year-old heart was crushed from the betrayal.

Since then, I had a long history of severe social anxiety and later, deep depression. In Elementary school, I was very social and talkative, but there were times where I would get in trouble for talking and even a librarian got in my face to reprimand me. I don't have many memories from those early years, but a lot of what I do remember wasn't emotionally positive. I was a very sensitive kid and my mental disorder did not help with that. I remember being shot down for my ideas, being teased for what I liked, and being picked on because it was easy. Simple events that may not seem like much to others meant the world to my young self.

Things started going downhill when I reached Middle School, that is when I started to isolate myself and the depression started developing. At the time I didn't realize it, but I had a superiority complex. I believed that I was better and more mature than everyone else. Yet, that superiority was a false cover for the negative emotions that I didn't want to face. Middle school is when my grades started slipping, my anxiety started taking over, my procrastination started thriving, and I started avoiding anything that made me uncomfortable.

High school was pure hell. I would fake being sick and miss the bus to skip school because I didn't have the strength to go. I was content fading into the corner and ignored by everyone around me. I was content with my teachers forgetting about me when there was an assignment that I had to present to the class. I was content with all the zeros and F's if it meant I didn't have to put myself in an uncomfortable situation. Unfortunately, my avoidance didn't make anything better. My choices caught up with me and made my college years a living hell.

I didn't seek out professional help until I was 20-years-old due to an event that I will not mention at this moment. I went to my first psychologist and it didn't last long. We didn't click, and I wasn't ready to get better even though I know I needed to. I felt lower than I had before, and I believed that I needed something stronger to "fix" myself. So, I decided to go to a psychiatrist and pump myself full of meds. For the last two years, it has been a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because I was finally getting the nudge I needed to make myself a better person. It was a curse because I began to realize how complex my mental illness was.

My mental health has caused me many issues throughout the years. It sabotaged so many opportunities in my life, but something good did come of it. Today, I am who I am because of my struggles with mental illness. It forced me to strive to be a not only a better person, but to work towards a better me. As much as I hate my mental illnesses, I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

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To The Girl Who Isn't Graduating On Time, It Won't Feel Any Less Amazing When You Do

Graduating is something to be proud of no matter how long it takes you.

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To the girl who isn't graduating college "on time,"

I promise, you will get there eventually, and you will walk across that graduation stage with the biggest smile on your face.

You may have a different journey than the people you grew up with, and that is OKAY. You may have some twists and turns along the way, a few too many major changes, a life change, you may have taken most of a semester off to try to figure your life out, and you're doing the best you can.

Your family and your friends don't think less of you or your accomplishments, they are proud of your determination to get your degree.

They are proud of the woman you are becoming. They don't think of you as a failure or as someone any less awesome than you are. You're getting your degree, you're making moves towards your dreams and the life that you have always wanted, so please stop beating yourself up while you see people graduating college on time and getting a job or buying a car.

Your time will come, you just keep doing what you need to do in order to get on that graduation stage.

Your path is set out for you, and you will get there with time but also with patience. The place you're at right now is where you are supposed to be. You are going to thrive and you are going to be the best version of you when you graduate and start looking for a company that you will be proud to work for. Don't look on social media and feel less than, because at least you're still working towards your degree that you are finally passionate about. You will be prepared. You will be ready once the time comes and you cross the stage, move away, and start your journey in whatever field you're going into.

Don't question yourself, and be confident in your abilities.

With love,

A girl who isn't graduating on time

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It's Time To Settle The Beef, UPS Vs FedEx Edition

If you prefer DHL, you're a sociopath.

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This is the clash of the titans. The dual of the century. Who better delivers your packages, UPS or FedEx. And today folks, we're going to find the truth.

LOGO: FedEx

Logos are everything. They create your entire brand. A good logo can make a shitty company amazing. I mean, take a look at Android. Androids are pieces of trash, but that cute little robot logo they have is awesome, how could anyone refuse to support that?

So when it comes to logos, UPS has that brown and yellow insignia. The shape of it makes it look like the police force if the police decided to use fugly colors like brown and yellow.

FedEx, on the other hand, has very optimistic colors: white, red, purple, green. There is even that little mini subliminal message in the FedEx logo with the arrow between the E and the x. Now that's a logo.

ABILITY TO DELIVER: Tie

I used to be fully team UPS but then UPS lost one of my packages and I swore them off. But then a month later, FedEx lost one of my packages and I couldn't swear them both off and go to DHL because honestly, whose favorite delivery service is DHL? If you prefer DHL, please stay far away from me. So when it comes to the ability to deliver my packages, both are equally sucky.

DRIVERS: FedEx

So this one might not have a big enough sample size, but the other day a UPS driver pulled out right in front of me on the highway and it pissed me the hell off. Also, I was walking across a street and a UPS truck didn't stop for me. No, I wasn't in a crosswalk, but still, the nerve of that UPS driver. FedEx takes this one simply because while I might not have anything GOOD to say for FedEx, I also don't have anything bad to say, either.

DOGS: FedEx

So dogs are the ultimate judge of character, right? If a dog likes someone then that person is good to go. And when the FedEx guy comes to my door, my dog goes off the wall with excitement. She runs to the door and wags her tail when he comes. When the UPS guy comes to the door, she doesn't bat an eye. There you have it.

FINAL VERDICT: FedEx

Overbearingly FedEx, huh. FedEx takes this one.

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