Ever since I can remember, I have struggled with terrible anxiety. I can recall sitting in class at age 10, my heart pounding, forehead perspiring, and mind racing, worrying about what would happen next. It became normal to me to feel hundreds of emotions pounding through my brain at once, and I got used to having multiple anxiety attacks each day. Nowadays, anxiety and depression in children and teens are much more common, so my overly anxious thoughts and actions seemed normal to my parents. They did all the right things though; treated me like a normal kid, took me so see therapists, and showered me with all the love and attention I needed. When I was 17, I was finally prescribed medication, and my anxiety attacks reduced significantly. I could think more clearly and would go weeks without experiencing traumatic anxiety attacks. The whole time though, I knew something else was wrong. It was obvious that I had anxiety, but even with the medication I still had trouble paying attention in class, staying organized, and engaging in long conversations. It took almost 20 years for a specialist to finally consider something different other than basic anxiety.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is defined as a chronic condition that affects millions of children and often persists into adulthood. ADHD includes a combination of problems, such as difficulty sustaining attention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior.
When I went to go see a new therapist a few weeks ago, I was required to fill out all the basic tests to see the severity of my anxiety and what new path we should go down in relation to a new medication and treatment. Apparently though, some red flags were raised in the ADHD category. During one of my sessions, my therapist explained to me that ADHD is the flower and anxiety and depression are leaves that grow off of it. It started to all make sense to me, but I was a mix of emotions and I had so many questions.
How does this happen?
ADHD is caused by a decreased amount of dopamine in the brain. It's the chemical that helps us organize, sleep, listen, and learn. In addition, it is also the pleasure center of our brain. So when my doctor prescribed me to a new medication to increase my dopamine production, I slowly started seeing positive results. For example,I used to start a project and quit halfway through. In relation to the alphabet, I would start at A and stop around M. Neutralizing my dopamine helped me to go from A to Z and, let me tell you, it was one of the greatest feelings in the world. I began to feel successful again. My room was actually clean for a full week and I finished all my assignments on time.
Who is to blame?
Of course, when I was diagnosed, I started blaming everyone else. I blamed my parents for not realizing it earlier, I blamed my prior therapists for not picking up on the signs and symptoms, and of course I blamed myself for letting it get so bad. The bottom line though is that there is no one to blame. There is nothing I could have done to stop this, I just had to accept what had happened and move on.
When did it start?
Obviously there is no certain day or month that ADHD magically appeared in my life. It gradually progressed over time and honestly, it is a relief to finally have an official diagnosis for what is wrong with me. Now that I know what is going on in my brain, I can work to change. With my new medicine combined with cognitive therapy techniques that were provided by my therapist, I am seeing improvements in my thoughts and behaviors each day.
Why did it take so long for me to be diagnosed?
I was never the type of kid who was jumping off the walls or yelling at my teachers. I did well enough in school to get by, and my behavior seemed normal enough. My therapist explained to me that it is very common for females to go years without a diagnosis if it does not affect their everyday life too significantly. I was annoyed because I always knew that I could do so much better in school. My parents lectured me semester after semester telling me how much potential I had. I knew I was intelligent, I just couldn't wrap my brain around the material enough for it to soak in and stick. I was angry thinking about how different my life could be had I been diagnosed and treated earlier in life. I knew I could have excelled more in work and school if I would have gotten my dopamine under control a few years earlier. But all that matters now is that I know that I can do better and I will.
What now?
I guess it can only get better from here. Accepting the fact that I have had this disorder most of my life is a hard concept to grasp. I'm fortunate that it is such a common disorder and can be treated easily. This experience has helped me to become more in-tune with my thoughts and feelings and helped me to begin to love myself again and grow to be a better version of me.
This is not meant to make you feel bad for me in the least. This is my own unique story and raising awareness of mental disorders is my goal.
