I am currently sitting on my bed thinking about how fast college has gone by. It feels like just yesterday when I was a scared and excited freshman, trying to figure out how to live without my parents. I feel like I have grown a lot since then, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I am basically halfway done with college.
These four years are supposed to be the best years of my life, or so I'm told. If I'm honest, I hope they're aren't. It's not that I don't enjoy college, but I feel like I have never been more overwhelmed with life than I am at this moment.
College is great. You meet new people, you learn a lot about yourself, and you figure out what you want to do with your life and what interests you. Even though this is all exciting, it's also incredibly nervewracking. I feel like I still have no idea what I'm doing yet, and I really don't know how to feel about it.
As a soon-to-be junior, I feel like it's okay to not quite know what I'm going to do after school. I know what the dream is, of course, but I haven't thought realistically about the future yet, and I'm avoiding it at all costs, and honestly, that's what worries me the most. College has taught me a lot so far, but it has also taught me that I am insanely afraid of failure.
I'm scared of failing my classes. I check my homework what feels like every 30 minutes, just to make sure I actually turned it in online, or so that I remember the day it's due. It's crazy that a lot of my school life depends on how a professor feels the moment they are grading my work.
I'm scared of failing my friends and family. I feel like they all have expectations of me, and I constantly worry about if I'm actually making them proud, or if they're watching me from afar and whispering, "Yikes" in the distance. I worry too much about what others think of me.
I'm scared of failing when all of these classes are over. I'm worried about failing after college. I want to be successful so badly, but my fear of failure is consuming me. I want to be successful, but I have no idea how I'm going to be.
I'm hoping that by the time junior year rolls around after summer, I will be more confident in everything I do. I hope to have a completely new attitude about everything. I don't want to let my fear of failure stop me from doing what I want to do.
I'm also holding out hope that time slows down for a little bit. These years are going by fast, and I want to be able to enjoy and embrace every moment and make every memory that I can, without the fear of failure holding me back.