And it all comes crashing down.
You suddenly feel perpetually alone in crowded rooms, and like you're screaming out to the masses, but no one seems to hear a thing. It stings. It aches. You look in the mirror and you observe the dark circles beneath your eyes. You can see and feel yourself slipping between the cracks. Sleepless nights turn into restless mornings and sleepy afternoons.
I've grown up with a good life. I have an amazing family and a good home. I've always been successful in school and in work, but from a young age, I struggled with my self esteem.
I was overweight and had excess acne as a very young girl and although I've since lost the weight and cleared my skin, I will still always look in the mirror and see that girl. I will always see the little chubby third grader with cystic acne. No matter how much effort I put into my makeup, I will always see past the layers of powder and concealer. My self esteem is very fickle, and to be quite honest, it is extremely frustrating.
I have come to terms with who I am, and I don't hate myself. It isn't like I can't live with the way I am, but I just wish for a more consistent mindset. I want to be able to smile and be happy with myself on a regular basis. Self-love is the best love.
A few of my past relationships, both platonic and romantic, have been very toxic, and those have taken a toll on me. I have a weird view of love and emotions and I either lack emotions altogether or burst at the seams. There's no balance. I just want a balance. I just want to be in control of how I feel, and more importantly, how I express said thoughts and feelings.
I've never made a big deal out of my mental health, just because I never felt comfortable broadcasting my internal thoughts. However, while I am still learning to love myself, I can openly admit and accept the fact that I need to take more time for my mental health, and I think everyone should.