"It's complicated."

That's typically my response when people I don't know well ask me about my relationships or romantic life because it's generally easier than going into a long explanation. The joke used to be that if someone said their relationship was "complicated" it meant that they thought they were in a relationship and the other person disagreed. That often isn't the case anymore, though. So why do I have that as my go to response?

Simple: I'm polyamorous.

When I tell most people that I am polyamorous, AKA "poly" I get one of three responses:

1. Cool, I am too!

2. So you're a cheater/swinger/insert-other-thing-that-isn't-polyamory-here?

3. You're what?

Every once in a while somebody will say "Oh, that's cool, my best friend/sister/cousin/half-uncle-twice-removed-on-my-mother's-side is poly," but in most interactions I have found that people either don't know what polyamory is, or they are polyamorous themselves.

As such, I generally find it easier to just avoid the subject unless I have the time and energy to go into a detailed explanation. Well, today I have both! So here's a simple explanation of what polyamory is and a little bit about what it isn't.

Polyamory is a type of relationship wherein you have more than one intimate partner at the same time with the fully informed consent of everyone involved.

This can take many different forms. An outline of the broadest categories of poly relationship forms are below:

I've personally been involved in Vs and polycules. The most complicated polycule I've been involved in is illustrated for clarity's sake:

So I had two partners, one of my partners had another partner, and that partner had another partner beyond that. In the poly community, a partner's partner is known as a metamour. So my partner's partner (orange above) was my metamour and my two partners (blue above) were metamours to each other.

Metamours can become very good friends. In most cases, you will get along well. After all, the person that you love fell for them as well so you probably have at least something in common. Sometimes you'll become best friends or even lovers yourselves. In the case that you don't particularly like your metamour, you learn to deal with them and to at least respect them. You both love your mutual partner and it isn't fair to put them in the middle of a fight or make them choose sides. If there is a serious problem, then, by all means, raising your concerns with your partner is appropriate, but a simple clash of personalities is something you just live with.

Polyamory requires a lot of communication, effort, and time management. Any relationship requires these things, but it is of particular importance in a polyamorous relationship. Coordinating dates, rules, and other details between multiple partners in addition to outside commitments take a lot of work and you can't have fully informed consent (which is one thing that differentiates polyamory from cheating, see below).

Different people deal with this in different ways. Some polycules keep a joint calendar to keep up with everything. In smaller arrangements, individuals manage their own affairs individually. In any case, it is the responsibility of each partner to make sure that they are not slighting one person by spending all of their free time with another partner. It takes work, dedication, and commitment, but it is well worth it.

Now let's clear up a couple things that polyamory is not.

Polyamory is not cheating.

Once more for the people in the back: Polyamory. Is. Not. Cheating.

Cheating is breaking the rules. Cheating is doing things behind your partner's back without their consent. Polyamory is not cheating.

Now, it is possible to cheat in a polyamourous relationship. If you and your polycule practice polyfidelity (which is where you have multiple partners but are not allowed to be intimate with people outside of that group) and you go on a date or sleep with someone else, that is cheating. But sleeping with another one of your partners within that group is not cheating because that is within the rules of the relationship that you have set with your partners. These rules are set by the individuals in the relationship and are unique to each polycule. Cheating happens in polyamory when people disregard these rules, but the two are not synonymous.

Polyamory is not swinging.

Now, there are poly people who swing as well. Swinging is when you and your partner engage in sexual activity with other people (with the fully informed consent of everyone involved). They are both forms of consensual non-monogamy, but are not synonymous. While swinging is focused on sex, polyamory also incorporates romantic or emotional commitments. You can have partners in a polyamorous relationship with whom you are romantical, emotionally, and/or sexually involved, and in a responsible polyamorous relationship, you will discuss major changes to the arrangement with all persons involved. This is not the case for swinging.

Polyamory is not an open relationship.

Much like with swinging, there is a lot of overlap between the two, but polyamory can be an open or closed relationship. In an open polyamorous relationship, you are allowed to date or be intimate with other people outside the existing arrangement. There may be limitations on these interactions (eg. Dates are fine but no sex, sex only with condoms, only if I meet them first, etc.) but they are allowed. If these limitations are not followed, then it is considered cheating (see above).

In a closed polyamorous relationship, there are more than two people in the relationship, but dating or being intimate with people outside the relationship is not permitted and would be considered cheating (see "Polfidelity" above).

Polyamory has plenty of problems and complications, just as monogamy does. But ultimately, it is simply people caring deeply for and being intimate with one another. People who are poly just do it with more than one person.