How to Be a Master Procrastinator
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How to Be a Master Procrastinator

A list of everything you need to do before you can possibly be productive, obviously.

How to Be a Master Procrastinator

I don't know about y'all, but I always feel like Spongebob trying to write his essay any time I really need to get work done. I'm all about rewarding myself for doing absolutely nothing. Made a header? Time for a break. Thought of a title? Break! I'm also super good at finding excuses: I have a headache, I'm hungry, my dog is sleeping on me. For all of my fellow procrastinators, here's a list of activities that sound like good ideas when you should just be at the library cranking things out. (But don't worry, I have faith you'll get it done tomorrow).

  1. Finally figure out how to contour.
  2. Clean out your closets.
  3. Give your dog a bath.
  4. Learn all the lyrics to your next karaoke ballad.
  5. Catch up with your best friend from third grade.
  6. Message anyone who is active on Facebook.
  7. Take a nap.
  8. Finally take those things to Goodwill.
  9. Do your laundry.
  10. Bake a cake.
  11. Take a nap. (Gotta be well rested before you can get down to business.)
  12. Write everyone in your family a letter. (Don’t forget that third cousin twenty times removed.)
  13. Take your cat for a walk.
  14. Try on all the clothes in your closet.
  15. Dye your hair.
  16. Post photos of your new hair on Instagram.
  17. Drink a glass (or two, or a bottle) of wine. (To relax you so you’re in the mood for writing, duh.)
  18. Write a list of things you need to do (and totally will).
  19. Watch an episode (or two, or a season) of a show on Netflix as a reward for making that list.
  20. Order pizza.
  21. Watch more Netflix because there’s no point in starting work now when you’ll just have to stop when the pizza comes.
  22. Eat a pizza.
  23. Call your boss and ask if you can take another shift this week. (Because you couldn’t actually afford that pizza, oops.)
  24. Check the clock, see it’s five minutes past the hour. Tell yourself you’ll start at half past.
  25. Open Instagram every two minutes to see how many likes you have on that picture of your hair.
  26. Check the clock. See it’s five minutes past when you said you would start. Tell yourself there’s no point starting until the next hour.
  27. Get to the next hour. It’s ten PM. Way too late to start now!
  28. Go to sleep.

Bonus steps for your future self (only to be done the night before a due date):

1. Make lots of coffee

2. Cry

3. Curse your past self

4. Cry some more

5. Somehow manage to get everything done. (Yer a wizard.)

6. Tell yourself you'll never procrastinate again.

7. Sleep for two hours (if you're lucky).

And do it all again next time! (Because you're a monster!) :D

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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