I shock a lot of people when I tell them that I don’t want to get married and that I don’t want any kids. For a lot of girls my age, these are things they dream about, something that can’t come fast enough. I see the expressions on the faces of my family and friends, those knowing smiles and humor in their eyes - even if they don’t say it, they think it is because I am young and I will change my mind.
Most people ask me if I feel the way I do because of my parents’ divorce, and I can honestly say that I don’t. I have felt this way about marriage before my mother and father fell out of love with each other. I don’t blame them for anything, and I understand completely the ephemeral nature of all kinds of relationships. All I wish for them is happiness regardless of what necessitates it.
I do believe in love, I just don’t believe that it always lasts forever. I think that it can be beautiful and intoxicating and lovely, but also fleeting. Personally, I don’t believe in legally binding something so uncertain. I believe in love with all its flaws and blessings, and I hope I find it someday and I hope it lasts forever, but I don’t need a ring on my finger and a legal agreement to make that love any more real. If I love you, I want to choose to be with you every day because of the strength of that love and not because of fear or convenience.
I am not the girl with a secret Pinterest board for her someday wedding. I am not the girl cooing at every baby she sees. However, I do have a Pinterest board for my extensive bucket list. I know I’ll be an awesome aunt, but motherhood is not for me.
People tend to think of it as strange when a woman does not possess a maternal instinct. But, I am going to be honest here; I just don’t like kids. The sound of babies crying and toddler’s tantrums makes me cringe. Snot, spit up, dirty diapers - not cute. I stopped wanting to play children’s games as soon I was old enough to outgrow them myself. There is an abundance of reasons why I know I wouldn’t be a good mother, and I am not going to put a child through that for the sake of societal norms. It doesn’t make me a cold-hearted person, it just means that I am wired differently. I am just as capable of love as everybody else, but I know my limits and I think that is so important.
I don’t want to graduate college, settle for a boring job, marry and have kids and insert myself into the typical routine. I want adventure, I want ecstasy, I want freedom. I want to make my life into a work of art by pursuing those things without compromise. You can call it selfish - fine, I’m selfish. You have to be at least a little selfish to be happy. I have known sadness too well to not want to pursue happiness with the greatest fervor imaginable.
