“You know, when I was your age, I was just like you,” my grandma started, as she puffed on her lipstick stained Newport cigarette, while I held back a cough from all the smoke. She hated when I complained about her smoking; it was just a habit she wasn’t going to kick. She’d just tell me to “grow up and stop complaining” and that we’re all going to die someday, so as long she dies happy, she doesn’t care what causes it.
“I had about five different boyfriends, three best friends and about 20 acquaintances. I drank and I smoked. I did whatever I wanted and look at me now. I’m married, had two beautiful children and a book of stories to tell, I wouldn’t change a thing,” she said.
“Giana, it’s really true,” she winked at me and smiled. She carried a smile that held thousands of memories and probably about a thousand more secrets, “The best times of your life will happen in your 20s, don’t ever settle.”
Every wrinkle on her face didn’t resemble her old age; it resembled all the time she smiled, all the time she cried, every memory she held – good and bad. It represented the life she lived and the joy that her life carried for her.
She told me that if the love isn’t completely unconditional and you don’t find yourself falling for the person all over again every single day, then don’t stay involved.
For most of us, our parents and grandparents were married young and having babies in their 20s. But, times have changed, and it's perfectly fine if you're not ready for the big commitment of starting a family just yet, and it's perfectly fine if you are ready, too.
But, it really irritates me when people say that the one you’re going to marry is the person who makes you feel safe and comfortable—not the person who gives you butterflies and makes your heart skip a beat. Well, if it’s not a completely crazy and out of control kind of love, then I don’t want it.
I’m not saying not to date, fall in love or hold down a relationship in your 20s. All I’m saying is not to settle. Don’t settle for crappy people in your life, whether they’ve been a part of who you were for years or months. Friends or lovers, don’t let people bring you down.
I’m the type of person who won’t stop until they find their fairytale. I won’t settle for anything less than butterflies, and I certainly won’t stay for long if I’m not kept on my toes — in the good way. (Don’t play head games. I’m not in high school, and I certainly am not looking for the stereotypical college frat boy, either.)
Your 20s are a time to find yourself.
Don’t forget that! Just because you’re not tied down and in a serious, committed relationship does not mean you’re going to become the town’s crazy cat lady or the creepy guy still living in his mom’s basement. It means you’re still finding yourself.
Whether your 20 years young, or if your 26th birthday is right around the corner, you’re still so young and have so much left to figure out about life and about yourself!
How are you supposed to fully give yourself and love someone else when you haven’t yet fulfilled all the goals you’ve set for yourself? You barely even know your true-self yet, and when you’re rushing to discover someone else, you lose yourself. You become too intertwined with someone else’s life, their hopes and dreams, that you often forget your own.
If you’ve always dreamed about living in Rome for a year, do it! You’ll always be kicking yourself if you give up the dreams you’ve built for yourself. C’mon, you have your entire life to be tied down to someone else, building a life together, why rush into it? Give yourself the time you deserve.
Spoil yourself. Get to know you and love you. Before you give your all to someone, give your all to you! Don’t hold your all happiness in a relationship; hold your happiness within yourself first.
Explore; be you.
Sure, haven’t we all fantasized about finding our soulmates and falling madly in love, like in our favorite sappy love movie? I’ll be your Rose, if you’ll be my Jack, and I won’t leave you to freeze to death, either.
I have a handful of friends who would get married right now and start a family right now if they found someone who was on the same page. But, the funny thing is that all these friends are girls. Most of the guys I know are thinking like me, hell no, I don't want to settle down yet.
But date. Date a lot. Put yourself out there a little bit.
Go on dates with new people, go on double dates with friends, go on blind dates, do it all. Explore what you like and what you don't like. Date a bad boy for a little while or maybe take that girl out from your Chem class who you've been eyeing all semester.
Take a chance, meet new people. There's nothing wrong with dating around and feeling out the dating scene.
Despite what traditional values say, you don't need someone always by your side. You don't need to have a serious significant other to travel the world, to face your fears, to go through tough times and celebrate your accomplishments with. If you haven’t found someone worthy of sharing these special moments with yet, then don’t worry. They’ll be there when the time’s right.
Don’t waste your time exploring and celebrating with someone you’re only “settling” for because it’s safe and comfortable or because they’re “all you know.” Get out there, try new things, see new places and meet new people. How do you know your real true love isn’t waiting for you in that coffee shop on the other side of town that you’ve never been to before?
Be independent.
There’s nothing wrong with being a strong, independent person while also in a committed relationship. But, that’s just not for me, and it’s OK if its not for you, either. When I invest in someone, it’s all or nothing. Friends, lovers, family – I’m the type of person who is completely invested in the people in their life.
I taught myself that it’s OK to let go of friends who stopped being there for you a while ago, it’s OK to walk away from someone who takes more from you than they give and it's OK to give up on something or someone that doesn’t mean what they used to mean to you anymore.
Be stubborn and do things your way, especially if it’s what’s right for you and your future. No one said it would be easy, though.
I want to do things by myself, whatever they may be, with support of my loved ones, of course. But, I want to be able to look back with a sigh of relief and say, “I did it,” without owing a anything to anyone but myself. It took me a long time to realize this, (and if you’re anything like me), and it might take you a while, too, but it’s OK to want to accomplish things on your own.
Stop feeling guilty about wanting a career, wanting your own place with your own bank account. Find your “soul-sisters,” find your best friends. Take a trip to to Vegas with a crazy story to someday tell your grandkids.
Don’t feel bad about not wanting someone blowing up your phone when you spend a night out on the town. It’s OK if you don’t want to answer to anyone but your mama, and it’s normal to sure as hell not want to waste time fighting about relationships problems when you just might end up breaking up in a couple months anyway.
Lasting relationships are harder to find these days than a virgin in high school. All jokes aside, relationships that people have invested months, even years, are just crashing and burning lately. Someone’s unfaithful, someone lost interest, the two outgrew each other, whatever the reason may be, I don’t care to be one of the victims to the heartbreak. And no, I’m not afraid. I’ve been in committed and long-term relationships, I just don’t have time to cry and be upset over someone when they just ain’t worth the whiskey, as Cole Swindell would say.
Do you for a while.
I’m not afraid to commit. When the time is right, I will, but for now, I need to take this valuable time to find myself, be myself and give myself everything I’ve dreamed for, and you should, too.
Live for nights with friends that you’ll laugh about for weeks later. Kiss that stranger you’ve been admiring. Explore another country, learn another language and don’t worry about anyone else but yourself.
Accomplish or work toward your goals. Travel to the places you’ve always wanted to see. Finish off your summer bucket-list. Take the job opportunity in another state. There’s nothing wrong with wanting what’s right for you.
When the time to settle down comes, you’ll know.
This doesn’t mean you can’t date or you won’t catch feelings for someone, and when it becomes all too real, when you start to think that this person might be the Noah to your Allie, then maybe that’s when you’ll know it’s time to settle down, but don’t ever settle.
The time will be right, and you’ll just know.
Your heart will race when you hear their name. You’ll feel like you’ve found myself and discovered who you truly are, and they’ll only add to your self-discovery. They’ll be the missing piece of puzzle you felt like you’ve been missing.
I want to live for the memories and the stories I will always keep with me. I don’t ever want to look back with regret in my heart, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t want to feel held back by anyone — significant other or even just a friend.
When I’m 80, with a Makers Mark on the rocks in my hand, I want my grandchildren to look at my wrinkles and listen to my crazy stories and think, “Damn. My noni lived a great life.” I want them to look at the scrapbooks I’ve made and for them to start thinking about the scrapbooks they’ll someday make.
When I’m 90, sitting in my rocking chair, reminiscing on my life, I don’t want to regret that time I didn’t go to Paris because of a significant other. I don’t want to regret not taking that job in Florida because I couldn’t leave behind my high school sweetheart. I don’t want to look back on anything and think, “Why didn’t I take the opportunity when I had it?”
Whether it be settling for a crappy job, a fake friend or a lover you’re not extremely passionate about, don’t settle because I truly believe what’s meant to be, will be. If you think life has more in store for you, then it probably does. Your 20s are a time to be selfish and probably the last time you’ll be able to, so take advantage of it and put yourself and your dreams first. Turn the pages of your life and look back on every moment with a smile and with a memory, not a regret or a doubt. That’s why I think it’s OK not to settle when you’re in your 20s.
