I’m not really sure of the exact number, but it was a long time. Too long if you ask me. It’s something I can’t get back and wish I could. I just have to make up for lost time and not worry about the past because we only have the future. Now is what matters. Not yesterday or the day before that, but how you live from it and show how much stronger it makes you.

I recently reunited with my brother after many years apart. It didn’t really faze me when I was younger. I only thought about what game I was going to play next or what picture to color. The family photos slowly went away and I didn’t ask about it because I was too busy noticing other things. The leaves on the ground. The clouds in the sky. The kids playing in the yards. Just random thoughts that consumed my mind. As I got older it tore me apart. It killed me to know that somewhere out in the world I had a sibling. Someone who was supposed to be there for me, but at the same time was so far away.

I always wondered what happened. How we got this way? Why I couldn’t see him? Why I had to act like he didn’t exist? I asked questions, too many at times. It was all I had. Other people’s memories of a person who should be my best friend. Someone to always count on. I couldn’t keep relying on people and just believing what they said. I always knew there was more to the stories.

It was in middle school when I reached out to him the first time. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew I wasn’t aloud to talk to him. It was weird getting to know him again. I can’t describe the feeling now, but it lit a fire inside me to know more. I was curious about everything. I asked my mom questions because I just wanted to know all the little details. I wanted the entire story. I hated being left in the dark. To have this little secret to myself was hard. I just wanted to scream to the world something I wasn’t able too. Eventually I knew this wouldn’t last for long and we lost touch again.

I lost out on those years of sibling fights. And all the bickering. And being told to shut up. I know it sounds silly, but that was the life I was meant to have. One where I knew my brother and we had a normal brother/sister relationship. But instead I had the life of an only child and it was a lonely life.

When I reached out the second time it was different. I was older now and was more careful this time. We messaged throughout all of my high school years. It was nice having my brother back in my life, even if it was only through Facebook.

We talked about seeing each other in person again. I honestly never thought it would happen. At least not for years. But when I got my first job that was my one goal. To buy a plane ticket to visit the one person who shouldn’t have been kept from me.

June 25, 2016. That is the date I was reunited with my brother. This is a day I will remember for years. It meant everything to me, more than I think he even knows. I dreamed about that day for a long time. It was everything I had hoped for. This day meant I truly had my brother back in my life.

I don’t think anyone can relate to how it feels. To have this person out in the world and not be aloud to talk to them. It sucks honestly. It’s not the same as having an uncle or an aunt in another state that you just don’t talk too. It’s not like having that distant grandmother who comes around every once and awhile and once she leaves, life goes back to normal. No, its none of that. This is a sibling. Someone who I should have one of the strongest bonds with.

I’ll always remember the past and what led us to this point. The point of having to sneak around just to talk and not physically see each other. But It’s time to move on and just think of this amazing future I have now. One where I can get to know my nephews and visit my brother as much as I can. Not having to sneak around and hide it from everyone. Being able to say, “I have a brother” and not be worried if someone would find out and make us stop talking again. One where there’s no more secrets.

If I keep holding onto the past and think what could have been, eventually it’s going to blind me from this incredible life I’m living now.

“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” -Unknown