If I could hear your voice one more time, I promise I’d never ask for anything else. I promise, it wouldn’t matter what you’d say, I’d never forget it. I still hear your voice sometimes, telling me that you’re proud of me, telling me how far I’m going to go. I hold onto that; I need your words to motivate me.
If I could see you one more time, I would not pay attention to anything else. I would never fight with you. I would listen to everything you said and hang on your every word. I would listen to you tell me that I don’t need boys, and that you’ll never like anyone I date, until I find the one I’m going to marry.
If I could hug you one more time, I would never let go. I would remember everything from the scent you always wore to the warmth of your embrace. I started to forget that scent, until I was reminded of it by a stranger. I’m so sorry.
But here’s the thing about saying “one more time”, Tommy. I would indefinitely ask for “just one more time”, because the time we had would never be enough. It wasn’t enough.
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Here’s the thing about life, Tommy. You don’t get “one more time”. You don’t get to turn back time and change things to how you want them to be. But if I could, do you know what I would do?
I would go back to the last day I saw you, September 7th, 2014. And I would tell you that I love you. I would tell you that I’m lucky to have you as my big brother, and that I appreciate everything you do for me. I would tell you thank you again, for celebrating my birthday at your house with a BBQ. And even though I thought it was silly, I would tell you how much I loved that you bought a pinata for us to swing at. I would tell you not to worry, that I would clean my belly button piercing every day, like you told me to.
But Tommy, if I had more time, more than that day, more than those few hours than we spent in your backyard, do you know what I would say?
I would tell you that I appreciated all the times you randomly messaged me on Facebook, or texted me something funny just to make me smile. I would tell you thank you for picking me up and taking me to Taco Bell after I made a status about how much I was craving it. I would tell you I’m sorry for the one time I dropped ice cream in your truck, or the time that I tripled knotted my shoes and you had to untie them for me because I was too little to do it.
Do you know what I would say, Tommy, if I had gotten your text the night you took your life? Do you know what I would have done, had I known what you were going to do?
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I would have done everything in my power to keep you here. I know that you were hurting, and I know that you were suffering, but I didn’t know it was as bad as it was. I had no idea. I’m sorry for not paying attention. September 16th, 2014. I wish that date had never happened, but now it’s engrained in my memory forever.
But, like I said before, Tommy: I can’t go back and change things. So if by some miracle, you can read this, or at least know what I’m trying to tell you, this is what I say. I miss you every day, and I wear your chain every day to wear you close to my heart. I’m sorry for taking you for granted. You always were, and always will be one of the biggest supporters in my life and I didn’t realize it until it was too late. Thank you for all that you did for me, and for watching over me now. I will see you one day.
You never know when your last day with someone will be the last. Love the ones around you, reader. Take time to let them know how much they mean to you before it’s too late.
