The January edition of Men's Health Magazine contained an odd column titled "Rule No. 26/Say Sorry," which specifically targets the topic of apologizing.
Men's Health Magazine mentions...apologizing? Since when has that ever been manly? Hugh O'Neill, column writer for Men's Health, included Rule No. 26 because he believes "developing humility is a big step toward full-throated manhood." Even though "full-throated" is an intriguing use of diction, O'Neill's principle is sound: Developing humility is a big step forward. He even includes to "Apologize for something" as a resolution.
You might say, "Apologizing as a resolution? Are you serious? Dude, I'm trying to make cash for Cancun this Spring break. I'm knocking out a new gains schedule and repping better study habits. I'm trying to enjoy life in the here and now, and you're telling me a solid resolution for 2017 is to... apologize?"
That's exactly what I'm saying. Rule No. 26 for this year is probably the manliest resolution you can make, and I'll back up why in three points.
One: Apologizing requires unique strength.
The American Psychological Association released a study titled Forgiveness: A Sampling of Research Results, in which they provided a thorough definition for forgiveness: "[It] is a process (or the result of a process) that involves a change in emotion and attitude regarding an offender. Most scholars view this an intentional and voluntary process, driven by a deliberate decision to forgive".
The words "intentional", "voluntary" and "deliberate" stuck out to me. The action of apologizing is active. It's alive. It's a "change" in position. Laying down your power of wanting to be right in order to apologize portrays humility and it also requires courage. You're not only facing who you offended, you're facing the side of you that messed up. Most men don't face the side of themselves that they leave out of the conversation. It takes a unique strength to face both.
Two: Apologizing is healthy.
You press through the surging lactic pain in your fourth set of barbell row because you know the rewards afterward provide better physical health. Repping an apology after your fourth, tenth, or hundredth offense will give you better relational, spiritual and mental health.
Dr. Frederic Luskin, the Senior Consultant in Health Promotion and the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, wrote in his 16th volume The art and science of forgiveness about the potential physical health effects involved in forgiveness. Luskin writes:...when people experience forgiveness, there are positive changes in measures of participants' cardiovascular and nervous systems...there are a number of lines of research that suggest that learning to forgive can be predictive of improved health outcomes. There are some studies that show that mismanaged anger and hostility is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease. In both my dissertation study and the study on men... the forgiveness training resulted in a significant lowering of anger levels.
If there are verifiable signs that forgiveness can impact physical health, imagine how much greater mental and psychological health are effected. While hitting the weights is an immediate idea for bettering health, maybe attending to weights of shame is of equal, if not greater, importance.
(To read further on the physical and psychological science of forgiveness, check out this article!)
Three: Apologize because authentic men apologize.
Writer and commentator T.F. Hodge provides a great quote for the backbone of apologizing: "Pride and ego makes a mockery of an apology. Humility wins forgiveness without question…so break ‘yo’self’!" Real men break themselves. Humility is the iron hammer that shatters glass pride when a sincere apology is made.
In Men's Health, O'Neill writes, "Keep it...sincere. Get the words out and you'll feel strong, renewed, and maybe even forgiven...No need to be perfect; you're just a man. But a fellow faces his short-comings and tries, bit-by-bit, day-by-day, to do a little better."
Apologize because it's a breaking process that will grow you. Move from the comfortable avoidance of apologizing to the authentic process of saying, "I screwed up. I hurt you. I'm so sorry." This is sincere. This requires a strength that surpasses all utility at a gym. This process, whether you believe it or not, will help your health. Let's become full-throated and speak the apologies that are difficult to say, but need to be said.
For a 2017 resolution, let's give Rule No. 26 a shot and see how much we grow in humility.
Online source links:
For the APA link to their forgiveness study, click here.
For Dr. Luskin's volume link, click here
