Although many of us know that we are worthy, we often find ourselves not fully believing it. We struggle to believe it when someone says, “You’re beautiful, smart, important and valued,” and are quick to agree with that little inner voice whispering, “You’re not pretty enough, not smart enough, not important enough or good enough...”
Underlying most of the emotional challenges we face, from depression to relationship problems, is the struggle of self-worth. When we don’t feel worthy and can’t accept our flaws and weaknesses as part of who we are, we either suppress our feelings, or we express them in a variety of self-sabotaging behaviors. When we don’t love ourselves fully, we compromise who we are as a person... Without self-worth, we simply can’t function at an optimal level and fulfill our potential for happiness and success.
Self-worth is such a difficult topic because the world often doesn’t set clear guidelines as to how to accomplish such a complex mindset and it is normal for our self-worth to fluctuate a great deal as we experience different trials and tribulations throughout life. We live in a day and age where one's worth can be correlated to the number of likes we get on a picture we just posted or to the number of followers we have online. We look up to celebrities who have zero talent and only achieved their fame by making bad decisions, wearing little clothes or by living lives that encourage little moral values.
Every day we encounter criticism, comparisons, and judgments. We are told we aren’t good enough time and time again, until we eventually just believe it. We’ve forgotten how to trust ourselves and rely on our own beliefs and judgments.We constantly rely on others to build us up, tell us we are pretty and to define our worth. If others don’t like the person we are, we struggle to become someone else who meets the world’s approval. We lower our standards of the person that we want to be and build up our walls so we don't have to be vulnerable.
We get trapped in “the negativity bias,” which is an evolutionary adaptation in which we pay much more attention to negative beliefs and events than positive. We are simply wired to focus more on our flaws and shortcomings than on our positive qualities. We have gotten so used to being put down by others that we've just begun to do it to ourselves.
All this being said...Here are a few not so simple steps to begin to find worth in a worthless society
1. Stop focusing on other people's opinions about you & focus on how you feel about yourself
People will always form some sort of opinions of us, but negative opinions must not undermine your ability to perceive yourself positively... Allow it to be a motivating force rather than something that pulls you down. It is important to recognize that in life you are always going to experience negativity from others. Fully embrace that then strive to be OK with not fitting in. Recognize the uniqueness that makes you who you are and own it.
2. Forgive
To love yourself, you must first forgive yourself and forgive others who have hurt you. Offer forgiveness freely and with compassion even if at times you do not receive it back. Do what needs to be done to right any wrongs and regain your integrity and then completely let it go. I look back on some of my mistakes and literally cringe. But you know what? It doesn't make me any better of a person to be constantly looking backwards. Take what you can from your mistakes, allow them to make you better and aim to help other people with them.
3. Stop limiting yourself
Sadly, it's often easier to get down on yourself than it is to lift yourself up, but if you want to love yourself, you have to change your mindset. You have to believe that you're worthy of love and you have to actively seek out positive things about yourself and your life. Believe me, if you don't do it, no one else well. Change the way you think about yourself and the rest will fall into place.
4. Face your fears
Often times we hesitate doing something because we are terrified of failure or what others may think of us. Allow yourself to take risks and explore possibilities that are new. If you operate out of fear or always color within the lines you might never mess up, but you’ll also never achieve anything extraordinary.
5. Shut the negativity out
When you in a season of life that feels down right impossible to feel worthy, rather than making blanket statements about your self-worth, identify more honest, but optimistic affirmations you can say to yourself. For example, you might say, “Today I’m not as accomplished as I want to be, but I know I can improve and feel better about myself to make tomorrow suck less.” Improvement is always possible, and working on an improvement goal will make you feel better about yourself. Understand that it is OK to not be OK today, but strive to be better tomorrow.
6. Stop Overthinking
Live in the moment. While it's not always easy to focus solely on the present moment, it's important that you do so. Stop trying to figure everything out and be so focused on the future that you forget to fully experience the present. Take a breath and aim to appreciate where you are in life and most importantly who is there with you.
7. Do not stay in your negative feelings
During the times when you catch yourself leaning more towards negative thoughts, switch gears entirely and focus on gratitude. Make a list of everything you are grateful for in your life and really focus on each item on the list, and think about how you’d feel without it. Study after study has shown that the regular practice of gratitude helps improve your outlook and feelings of happiness. Everything in life takes practice and for those of us who are not naturally skilled at seeing the glass half full have to have practice in being positive.
8. Focus on Simplifying
A complicated, overly scheduled life drains your energy and creates anxiety. Decide how much order and balance you want in your life, and begin cutting back on the tasks, obligations, and material things that don’t add genuine worth to your life. This will give you breathing room to pursue your passion, work on yourself, and redefine how you want to spend your time and energy. Simplifying your life is a very important way of investing in your overall mental health.
9. Celebrate the past
To be honest with you, this is one of the hardest ones for me. There are parts of me and my past that I just don't want to celebrate. I look back and often feel ashamed, disappointed and discouraged. However, I aim to transform this view to the concept that the road that I have traveled down has gotten me to where I am today. Embracing and celebrating that past is important because, without it, I wouldn't be me and I wouldn't have had the opportunity to help people who are traveling down the same or similar paths. Own who you are and where you have been even if you traveled down a less traveled and harder to navigate road.
10. Set Boundaries
When we don’t love ourselves, often we let others take advantage of us. Sometimes we don’t even know this is happening because we haven’t created firm boundaries. Decide how you want to be treated and what you will and won’t tolerate from those around you. This may be difficult if you’re accustomed to "going with the flow" and set aside your feeling to make others more comfortable. Start by communicating one new boundary at a time and practicing sticking to it.
Part of creating and following through on your boundaries is learning to speak up for yourself. If others say or do things you don’t like, or if you have ideas or input you previously held back for fear of offending someone, try stepping out of your comfort zone and speaking your mind. You can do this calmly but decisively, even if you have to pretend at first.
Learning to find worth within yourself is a process.
Sometimes a very long one with endless high's and low's that interchange all the time. As you begin to trust yourself and define your needs and desires, you’ll find you need less and less validation and reinforcement from others around you. You’ll create experiences and relationships that match your values and authentic desires, reinforcing your essential worth and lovability.
