I’m wary of people trying to make it big on social media; that kind of goal seems to go hand in hand with a degree of narcissism, sometimes very large, sometimes very small, in how cool you think your life is. Now I’m not saying don’t think your life is cool: that kind of feeling is something I fight for each day. I just find it intriguing when people want to make their personal story a soapbox for the Internet, something that they truly think you should watch and enjoy. With that apprehension, I must admit that my favorite and most visited website, on any and all of my computers, is YouTube. I spend free time each day watching vlogs, gameplay, story narrations, drawing time-lapses, sketch comedy, short films, and whatever grabs my attention on the weird side of YouTube. Many of the channels I subscribe to feature the day to day life of the content creator, with some of them making a living off of the videos they make. With that red flag, that warning for people who think they are so interesting that other people around the world would/should think the same, I see a whole lot of good done by these vloggers and filmmakers and their creations. There are hundreds of thousands of comments that thank these YouTubers for what they do, for the sense of community they create, relaying information about how their videos help the viewers to get through things such as depression, bad relationships, financial trouble, or even worse. The power that’s generated by just a five-minute explanation of why someone hasn’t been producing as many videos that week or that month, is astounding, and there have been several times in my life where YouTube has cushioned a few blows when the going got tough.
There have been a few times where I’ve tried to get into making videos myself. I tried my hand at gaming commentaries, I made a few unboxing videos with my sister, and a couple of friends and I tried to get some kind of daily vlog channel off the ground back in the 8th/9th grade. None of those attempts picked up much momentum, and I just fell out of love with pursuing them. At this moment in my life, however, there is a timid temptation to try again. A duel is happening in my mind between self-expression, putting myself out there, and social anxiety/fear of awkwardness. I love editing video, I really do. When I did it in high school for a class, it was my “master of the temple” Zen moment, and I’d like to see if Adobe Premiere can still scratch that itch. But the more important reason that I’d be making videos and other content comes from a phrase that I heard a few years ago while randomly browsing the internet. It was, “Be the role model you wish you had.” That phrase has been the main source of energy for most of what I’ve done for the past three odd years. I’m in one of those mindsets where I think my life is pretty awesome, but I remember how impossible that was in the throes of my mental illness. What I would want to do if I started producing videos for some kind of YouTube channel, be it vlogs or short scenes or something else, is to show kids and people like myself that there is hope for living a happy life. I’ve experience some of the worst things and feelings the world has to offer: depression, severe anxiety, betrayal, powerful OCD, hopelessness, and suicidal tendencies. But after all of that, I’m still here. And I’m quite happy with how far I’ve come. I know that if I can get better, if I can come back from such a deep abyss of negativity and self-loathing, anyone can. I think it’s my responsibility as a human being to try and help others in that way, and maybe putting my story on display in mp4 format is the most effective way to reach as many people as possible. I will not lie: seeing a lot of likes or shares on what I post elicits quite the feeling of pride, but the goal is the kids. Doing it for kids like my younger self is the heart of this possibility, and if I can keep that purity, maybe I’ll be lucky enough to help someone turn their back on cynical nihilism or, god forbid, the edge of a tall structure.
In order to give back to the community that I’ve taken comfort in, I’m going to leave a few links to some of my favorite channels that keep these little flames of inspiration going. Maybe you’ll find something that helps inspire you to inspire someone else.
