Thank You For Loving me Through My Crazy

As mentioned in previous article, I have depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, it’s not fun and it’s not easy to deal with. It’ll more or less be something I will always have to deal with on and off throughout my life. It affects me personally of course, but it also affects people who I care about in my life. These are reasons that I decided to go in to get help in the first place; it was probably not the best choice to try and deal with on my own, when it’s something that’s affecting every single aspect in my life. My relationship with my boyfriend suffered a lot, and I am not sure how we made it through, but we did. However, since this something that may always be with me, we both have to be aware and I have to make sure I keep it in check, and watch my triggers, or shall I say LEARN them.

I thankfully have a loving boyfriend who, for some reason, stuck with me through all the screaming and back talk and the times, I got a little physical, nothing that was too terrible, the occasional whack on the arm and sometimes throwing non-lethal items that wouldn’t really hurt him. Something I am not proud of and something I regret. But these were times I was just so mad for no reason, or there was a reason but I blew it way out of proportion.This then became a habit in which came naturally to me, more so when I was in one of my “moods.”

Like stated above, I can’t believe he stayed with me through the time, about four and half years ago, when I fell into a deep depression due to thyroiditis which affected my pre-existing anxiety and depression. I have never ever been so scared in my life than I was during that time period; it is so hard to explain to people how I truly felt and what it is like unless they themselves have gone through it as well. The feeling of being disconnected from life and feeling like you are floating next to your body, like an outer body experience. The feeling of no feelings, being numb and emotionless except for the voices in my head telling me how dumb I am how useless I am, and how no one cares if I live or die. I constantly told myself I wanted to die, I didn’t want to go on feeling the way I did, and back then I truly didn’t think anyone cared if I was gone. I felt stuck in the mud, being sucked into a black hole feeling as though I was never going to make it out, and all the while no one understanding how I felt. This was an everyday feeling; the voices in my head were all day every day, they never stopped. I rarely slept and when I eventually did fall asleep, it was for a very short time and then I would wake up again and it’ll take forever to fall asleep again.

I told my boyfriend that I didn’t love him and that I wanted him to leave me alone and never come back, I truly felt like I wanted to break up and I told him so. I rarely talked to anyone I was around at any given time and when I did, it held no emotion, no life to it. I don’t even remember everything that happened during that period. Much of that time is fuzzy, and therefore I am speaking from what I have been told as to how I was back then. Not many people would have stayed with their significant other if they were being told the things I was telling mine. It was a lot to handle and my boyfriend had never experienced such a thing and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. But he kept telling me to tell myself that I loved him and that I wanted to be with him, he didn’t know what else to do except to be there for me. It must have worked because here we are five years and two months later.

So that is one thing I am thankful and grateful for when it comes to my boyfriend. So grateful that he stuck with me through the hardest time in my life thus far, and the hardest time for him as well and for us as a couple. He didn’t have to but he loved me so much he stuck through it all. I don’t know where I would be if he hadn’t been there for me, even when I had negative feelings about the world and even him, I am not sure if I would even be here without that reassurance that I would be ok. I may sound cliché and may sound dramatic, but he saved my life by not giving up and working to put positive thoughts in my head.

I am known to have a temper, to get mad about things I shouldn’t get mad about, things that someone without a mood disorder would just shrug off. Many people who have such disorders tend to aim towards the people they are closest to, thinking that since they are close they will forgive. People who I aimed the most at would definitely be towards my mom and my boyfriend. I said hateful horrible things, I was sometimes physical and would just fly off the handle sometimes. This of course made me seem very ungrateful and unappreciative and a violent person. All the things I have said to my boyfriend and all the things I have done, he is still here and hasn’t left. See if I were him, I would have dumped myself a long time ago, I truly can’t believe the way I used to treat him, and at times still do, of course this is when I am in one of my “moods." Honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he did end up officially leaving me, I mean I can get mad and scary at times, say horrible things and just be a horrible girlfriend.

I appreciate the little things he does, things as simple as kissing my forehead randomly and unexpectedly, taking my hand just because he wants to, holding hands in the car, playing with my hair while sitting on the bed or couch, rubbing my back, rubbing my feet and calves. Just small simple things he does that I appreciate and should say thank you for more often. It may seem like I don’t appreciate it, but I appreciate a lot of things, I just am not good at showing emotion sometimes. I have it in my head that showing a lot of emotion makes me vulnerable, but since I am an emotional person, I feel things deeply no matter what, making me a little more vulnerable, which I hate.

I appreciate the fact that when I tried to do direct sales he encouraged me, assuring me that I could do it and that I would be good at it even when I didn’t have faith in myself. So I never actually succeeded at it, due to my own self esteem issues, but he was always there always telling me positive things, never bringing me down, never saying anything negative about me trying it out. I appreciate it when he tries to explain the questionable parts in things I would try, not being negative but saying it in a way he was simply acknowledging things that could happen. To make sure I knew what I was getting myself into, but he always lets me make my own decisions, without questioning it hard. For some things it was probably a good thing that he did question it or tell me that it might not be a good idea, but he never outright told me not to do something.

I could go on about the things that I am grateful for when it is concerning my boyfriend, but that might be too long of an article; this is darn near a book already. My boyfriend has been there through my different phases and my experiments and when I am acting like a fool. He has scolded me of course for things, but he mostly just lets me be me. He isn’t perfect and there are plenty of things that bother me and things I disagree with, but he is mine and it’s important to be grateful with what and who you have, because if he wasn’t there anymore, I am not sure where I would be.