It is easy to forget that, before anyone else, you come first. I know, for me, it was a hard concept to understand. I knew I came first; I have always looked out for my interests and well-being, but at the same time, I could not help but want to save or look after those closest to me. I call it the Aquarian humanitarian in me, while everyone else that I know categorizes it as naivety or selflessness. Even when my friends or family would make it clear that I was giving way too much of myself to people, it did not bother me. Reciprocity was not what I was looking for; I just wanted to show my loved ones and those around me that if no one else would love them fiercely, then I would.
It was not until I got into the end of my high school sophomore year that I realized how draining it was to be the only person being selfless in all my relationships. Instead of calling those people out, I retreated back into myself. I made excuses for their actions, taking the blame and berating myself for not doing better as a friend or girlfriend. Then I would make a pledge to treat them the way they treated me, but that never ended the way I planned. As soon as they “made up" for what they did, I would brush over the pain and try to continue with our relationship.
Sadly, that unhealthy cycle lasted until recently. This past summer made me understand that I have to come first. After breaking off yet another one of my friendships, I turned that pain and confusion into perspective. It was not the approach of treat them the way they treat you that I tried to use earlier, but it was a new concept of focusing on the things I can control and not giving any attention to the situations I could not control. That new way of thinking paved the way for my journey of self-love.
As of today, I am accepting of my flaws and strengths. I have learned to love myself because of the experiences I went through and the people I chose to surround myself with. Sure, the road to loving oneself does not come without complications; there were times (a lot of times) when I could not stand to look myself in the mirror because I did not feel secure in who I was. But with a bit more self-coaching, those thoughts have lessened, I am better at not internalizing every aspect of my life and turning it into scrutiny.
If I could give out one piece of advice to those in search of a love yourself moment, it would be to accept. Questioning everything puts stress on the individual and taints the experience. Life was meant to be lived, and that cannot happen when you are constantly trying to micro-manage everything. Accept yourself for who you are, and loving yourself will come easily and naturally.
