Before my current relationship, I never thought I would ever reach a point where I'd feel accepting of myself. My past relationship always made me feel like I was never good enough for my partner, whether it was my appearance, interests, opinions or behavior.
With the constant pressure to be different and live up to his unattainable expectations of women, that relationship made me constantly feel anything but self-accepting. Long story short, being with that person strained my mental health to a point of severely damaging my self-image during my vulnerable years of being a college underclassman. The worst part? I believed for so long that I was responsible for that person's dissatisfaction with me.
It took me four years to realize that wasn't the case.
Months after that relationship finally ended, I've discovered the exact opposite of that experience in a new relationship. I've discovered what it means to be with a partner who enlivens you and inspires self-love.
And let me tell you... it is quite the difference.
Loving someone who lifts you up in this way is energizing, not draining.
It's the feeling of knowing that you can wear whatever you want, and he'll love it regardless. It's the safety you feel when being touched by him rather than fear. It's the sigh of relief knowing that no matter what your size, shape or complexion looks like, those physical traits of you are never of more importance to him than your inner beauty.
That is what real love is—the kind that enables you to not only love your partner but love yourself at the same time.
The result? Greater access to a genuine feeling of acceptance and appreciation when standing in front of that mirror every day. Without being capable of loving both yourself AND your partner, the relationship is pointless.
Now, I'm not saying that you have to be 100 percent content with yourself all the time—I'm sure that many of you reading this can relate to that feeling of inadequacy when in a relationship. Sure, we're all self-critical (we wouldn't be human if we weren't), but once that feeling of inadequacy becomes a constant, it should be considered a major red flag, especially in a society where distorted beauty ideals and sharp gender roles are ever present.
If you're in a relationship, I encourage you to really think deeply about how your relationship truly makes you feel. Ask yourself, does being with your partner cause you to be more loving or more cruel towards yourself? If your answer is the latter, it's time to make a change.
"I do not need the kind of love that is draining. I want someone who energizes me."
-Rupi Kaur
