To start at the beginning and leave no room for the imagination, I have made some terrible choices in my short time here in the world. These choices have lead me up to this very moment, sitting in a cliché coffee shack in my hometown, that I have recently moved back to. A move that was for once in my life on good terms, and with that I will spare you the details of my escapades in the past five years.
But the disclaimer here is that I did not ever think I would be the one to be writing, let alone writing for leisure...
I wanted to be a rebel.
I fought tooth and nail my whole adolescent life to be something I was not, and as the saying goes I found exactly what I was looking for. I found my self, slightly psychotic, sleeping in the back of my truck, emotionally numb and physically sick from the withdrawals of substances to be left unnamed. No more family to suck the life out of, nobody left for me to use, I was left with me and it was the most unnerving and sickening feeling I have ever felt to this day.
This feeling of immense personal torment has been the foundation of what my life is built on today.
Laying in the back of my truck with no where to go, I decided I had to change. For once in my life I was hungry for something other than the drugs and alcohol. I was hungry for change and when I say I was hungry, I was starving.
With this newfound lack of self, I was able to create a new and better self, someone who is thoughtful and loving and strives to be a better man everyday. Now this is the ideal and I’m still the guy to throw you the bird out the window occasionally, if I think you don’t know how to drive. But give and take right?
So, what happened is always the first question I’m peppered with whenever I tell my story.
To be completely honest, I really don’t have a true answer that resonates with me, but I can tell you what I did. From time spent reading self-help articles and constant support from my family, I learned how to use the people and resources around me. I learned how to connect and feel sympathy. One specific example I can remember is seeing my roommate folding towels one morning. Instead of not helping him, I fought everything in myself to go over there and help the guy fold his own laundry. I did it and felt good about doing it. This was one of my first experiences of doing something I really did not want to do, and not being obligated to do it.
The practice of self service, the act of getting out of one's own self and being of service for another person or animal whatever it may be, was the first building block to developing a relationship with myself. For once in my life, I was volunteering and trying to be of service to others and yes, at first it was a grueling process. It's not always fun doing things you don’t want to do, but it expanded my horizons and left me wanting to do more positive things. I realized I am not the bad guy I always thought I was.
This change did not come over night.
It’s a life long process of breaking away from your false reality of self, and achieving those little nuggets of success that help you to continually grow and develop a relationship with yourself. I have noticed throughout my experience that when something goes my way and I am able to achieve some success no matter how big or small, I always minimalize and say to myself “ well it's not a big deal “. NEWS FLASH, it’s a huge deal.
Hold on to those little moments because those are the building blocks to continuing your growth, and the key here is to understand that your level of success is defined by you, not by your mom or dad or anybody else. You and only you decide what means something to you. Above all love yourself, because you deserve it.
