“Art and love are the same things: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.”

-Chuck Klosterman

I still don’t believe in supply and demand. What I mean is supply and demand doesn’t seem to really exist outside of the world of dollars and cents. We know it's what keeps grocery stores open, and bong shops busy, but why doesn’t supply and demand seem to exist in the love department? There’s no shortage of people out there who want to be in love, yet lots of people aren’t in love. As a country, we aren’t having enough sex and are not living enough. I think this is the root of our problems as a civilization. Everyone is too uptight and I have no numbers or true way to back this up, I just know it’s the case. We should all have been more in love and have more sex; except for prostitutes and Leonardo DiCaprio (who are the few members of society having the right amount of sex).

We should have a meeting of the minds to figure out how to solve this because Tinder is not gonna do it, and I’ve heard people are sick of sliding into DM’s. Here’s what I’m proposing: We have one of those cool old looking circle tables (like the one in the third "Pirates Of The Caribbean")

and bring some of the bright minds of our time together to talk about the birds and the bees and why it feels like everyone is discontent with things (I’m speaking very broadly, some of you are probably happy and in love, I don’t know who you are… You aren’t friends with me, but I’ve heard you exist). I’ve decided this group should be not just the people who are known for talking about sex, but people who bring perspectives that might broaden everyone's horizon who’s watching this made for TV event. This is important because everyone is gonna watch this event. It’s literally gonna be the most watched event of all time. It’s gonna be the last non-sports event that both liberals and conservatives watch. The people in this meeting will be Neil deGrasse Tyson, Bell Hooks, Dan Savage, and Erin Gloria Ryan. Plus, we’re bringing Lou Reed back from the dead, as well as Mickey and Sylvia to play the theme song for this extravagant affair (You should listen to this, cuz it’s a great song).

Disclaimer: This talk will not be broad enough to encompass all people and sexualities and what not. None are more important than the other, this is just a hypothetical meeting of the minds that is only existing in my head. I don’t have enough time to include everything in the first meeting because I need to have time to make kale smoothies (I’m on a diet and I hate myself for it, in case you were wondering) and what not. So if you’re really into feet and you feel left out if we don’t talk about that, I apologize.

As we sit down at the cool table with the whole world watching, I as the mere mortal host have only one way to start the meeting: my first question is going to be, “Where do we start.” My hope is that Neil deGrasse Tyson will go on a tangent about the planets and how we’re insignificant and the universe isn’t obligated to make sense to us, and how love is just an idea. Where we go from there, I have no clue. This is gonna be on TV, so we’ll probably go to commercial next (I need to pay my student loans, people). Neil might not even think that I just hope that he does, because that’s what I think. Love like success and happiness leaves us falling short of the idea that exists in our mind, simply because it’s just an idea that exists in our mind. I have no idea what any of these people would actually say, expect Lou Redd (we know how Lou feels).

I’m not gonna speculate on what the panel members would actually say, I just needed to get you to this point so I could say what I think (My Grandma told me to “always speak your mind”) (My teachers in high school would not agree with this).

Life is just one giant time crunch that we’re forever in a battle against. Money isn’t the purest form of currency, time is. I say this to say, I don’t feel that I have the time to invest in someone and invest in myself (at least at this stage of the game). I’m in love with comedy because there’s not enough therapists/time in the universe to be in love with two things at the same time. Comedy takes up all my time, which is how it should be. I don’t have that good boyfriend/husband gene in me anyway. My sister is getting married soon, and the part of the wedding I’m most excited about is when they’re giving their vows and I can make a joke to whoever sitting next to me (hopefully my Dad) about the shortcomings of marriage. If I can make that person laugh, the wedding will be successful in my world. It's like my mind isn’t in the right place or something?

We all naturally want to love something or someone because otherwise, this existence seems quite miserable. If you aren’t in love with someone hopefully you’re in love with something, what I mean by that is hopefully if you don’t have someone by your side to share your stories and experiences with, to comfort you and such, hopefully, you have somewhere to express that angst that naturally exists. Angst is something we all share and I think love is a place to express that angst and fear of so many different things that are all happening at once: Your job, your health, your loved one's health, the less well off, planet earth, the universe, society as a whole, etc, etc… There’s a lot to think about and thinking a lot usually leads to more angst. As the great Chris Rock said, “We always say ignorance is bliss. So what’s the opposite? You can know too much.” Maybe love is the cushion that lets you think less about yourself and following Chris Rock’s point, the key to happiness seems to be to think about yourself as little as possible.

That seems to be the antithesis of everything I’ve ever thought of life: You wanna be great at something? Work at it. You wanna get healthy? Have a good diet and workout often (also, one glass of wine a night is what my Mom says). You wanna be happy? Don’t think about yourself? Huh? It seems strange to even ponder, but maybe the beauty of love is you get to think about yourself and see the body of your time spent manifested somewhere, but you get to do all that less because you have to give that time to someone else as well.

I have to go, I have a show tonight and if I don’t have a good set I’m gonna have an existential crisis. I’ll go home after the show alone, and I’ll sit on my futon, alone, staring at the ceiling wondering why everything is going wrong and wondering why I’m alone. If I have a good set I’ll sit on my futon staring at the ceiling alone, waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I think love is like cigarettes; when it starts out it's this cool buzz that helps with your anxiety and makes your life seem a little bit better. Eventually, it becomes its own anxiety.