Love is better experienced than defined.

Seven years ago my brother Adrian was born. I was an adolescent and with that came apathy and moodiness. Adrian was the most frustrating person in my life. He was entitled, spiteful, violent, shrill, indulgent, and sticky. I liked him regardless, but I didn't know if I loved him or only felt responsible for him.

One night when he was three, I sat with him in bed. An hour ago he was screaming, now he was lying next to me asleep. This irritating little person was suddenly quiet, gentle--almost precious. He stirred and rolled over to rest his head on me. I sat there for twenty minutes just holding him. For such a little guy, he is an enormous hassle. But, I love him. I love him because he's family, I love him because he needs affection, and I love him because I sincerely want the very best for him.

Is love romantic?

I know what love feels like. From the love I have for family, to the intimacy I share with friends, and the affection I have for art, I have felt love. There are so many types of love, yet English fails to represent them. I can say that, I'm an English major. Interestingly, there are many words for love in Greek: Storge: affection for family, Philia: intimacy between friends, Ludus: playful affection, Pragma: long-time commitment, Agape: unconditional love, Philautia: self-love, and Eros: sexual passion.

These feelings overlap in deeper relationships and should overlap in romantic love. A marriage built on eros will collapse. I have yet to feel that popular kind of love, the romantic kind that permeates the word "love" and saturates its presence in culture and art. It intrigues me because I can't define it simply. It's more than an intense feeling of deep affection or a great interest and pleasure in something. Whatever love is, it's dauntingly big.

Is love passion?

So do people typically define love? It's passionate and sacrificial, but tender and sweet. Love is instant and total, or it secretly blossoms from long friendships. It's honest and vulnerable, but you don't have to worry about arguing or saying sorry if you've found the one. That singular person who is beautiful, funny, smart, and kind. Someone who thinks all the same about you and would die for you.

There should be selflessness and compromise in any relationship, but you shouldn't gauge whether you love someone by whether you'd swallow a grenade for them. I think there's a problem in our culture that demands if love isn't extreme, then it isn't real. We want the bliss of young love, the excitement of seeing that person who haunts every waking thought. Unfortunately, that's only a phase of love.

Have you ever daydreamed about kissing in the rain or hearing "I love you" every night? I still fantasize about lying on top of my car with a girl and silently watching the stars. Love has three phases: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust or eros is important for romantic interest, but it has to move to attraction. Attraction is like a mix of ludus and philia, it's affectionate and euphoric.

Is love chemical?

"Chemical Basis of Love" by Mikael Häggströ

The chemistry of love is fascinating. When you're in love, you're more confident, take more risks, happier, smarter, overprotective, scatterbrained, anxious, and addicted. The fluctuation of different chemicals and neurotransmitters reward and prioritize the feelings of being in love, while complicating the reality. Estrogen and testosterone mix with pheromones during lust. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin fire off during attraction. Oxytocin and vasopressin, which are released during intercourse, reinforce attachment.

Dopamine rewards behaviors, builds addiction, and regulates norepinephrine, a stress hormone that makes your heart beat faster, palms sweat, and tongue dry. It's the adrenaline rush of a first kiss or saying "I love you." Finally, serotonin balances your mood and enforces your dependency on the other two.

What is love?

There are hundreds of factors that go into loving someone. From physical factors that determine whether you find someone attractive to periods of exposure that build interest and understanding. You should be attracted to the person you love and you should know them and want to better understand them. Yet you're going to fight and be disappointed and lose that initial rush of falling in love.

We use the phrase "falling in love," like the ground collapses when you realize how deeply you care for someone else. You think about them endlessly, plummeting further into the deep oblivion of irresistible desire. I don't think love is a pit, despite the morbid cynic that I am. Instead, I think it's more like the ceiling crumbles away and suddenly you can see more of the sky than you realized exists. It's beautiful and awe-inspiring, but daunting in its immensity.

I, still, don't quite know what romantic love is. I know what it isn't and how it works, but the mechanisms cannot capture the feeling. I want to know, but I can wait to experience the genuine sensation.

Quotes

"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but.. who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." — Before Sunrise

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." — Aristotle

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." — Robert Frost

"Love consists of this: two solitudes that meet, protect and greet each other." — Rainer Maria Rilke

"The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference." — Elie Wiesel

"We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." — Dr. Seuss