To those who love me despite my mental illness --
I'm sorry. You deserve better. For all the times I have broken your heart by not believing in us or myself over and over again. When I say it's not you, it's me, I wholeheartedly mean that. I'm sorry that I seem emotional to you when I come to you about stupid concerns. I'm sorry we go through the same conversation when I am crying about nothing at three in the morning. I'm sorry I'm not what you thought you were getting.
The truth is, I can't help it. I can't stop the voices from circling in my head, saying I'm less than what you see me as. I can't stop dissecting every single thing people say or do and thinking there is an ulterior motive to it when most likely, there isn't. I can't stop being embarrassed with things that may seem minuscule to you. And you don't know how much it hurts when you say "Don't let it bother you."
Everything hurts me. How cruel everyone in the world is to each other, the fact that children are starving in our "advanced country" when I am sitting here in a heated home on a nice computer, how people will never know anything but hatred and how selfish I must be by thinking the world is against me. That somehow all this revolves around me. My mind is so jumbled that I can't put my thoughts into words without rambling on.
I'm sorry I don't seek the help you think I should get. I am scared to take medicine because I know I will become dependent and that is my worst nightmare. I'm scared I will lose who I am and that I will become a shell of the person I once was. I have seen it happen to so many good people and they rarely return to who they used to be.
I'm sorry I have thought about cutting you out of my life forever. I know it would hurt you so much but I believe that you would be so happier if I wasn't in your life. I know that this disease hurts you just as much as it hurts me, but at least I can spare one of us. Hurting you is the worst pain this illness has ever given me. And yet, you love me.
I know you don't understand, but thank you for trying. Even if you don't understand that you can't possibly wrap your mind about what happens in mine, you still call me back every night. Thank you for understanding if my anxiety prevents me from going out and for taking the night off to spend that time with me in our pajamas with Netflix. You don't mind reminding me that everything is OK between us over and over again. Even when it annoys you – and I know it does – you still love me regardless of the ups and downs I have put us through.
Despite the bad days, I know I am the luckiest person on the face of the planet because you have stuck around for so long. Not many people can say they know that those who love them truly love them. I can't promise everyday will be easy but I can promise I will try my hardest to make you happy. You all mean the world to me and have saved me in more ways than one. I love you and thank you.
