Dear former love,

My emotions for you post break-up came in waves. The first… utter despair. After our phone call to end our time together, I cried my eyes out. I don't think I stopped crying until weeks later. I'm talking non stop crying. It was the time in my life when people stopped asking about the bags under my eyes because it became such a normal occurrence. In fact, I was so emotional, that I cried when someone looked at me the wrong way or beeped their car horn at me in traffic. I was heartbroken over the mere thought of never being able to kiss your lips again, or better, vent to you about that one girl in my english class that I despised. Although cliche, I felt a void inside myself that I didn't know could ever be filled again. The emptiness was enough to drive a person to drink (which I did, a lot). I thought back to the times of happiness, like when we spent the day at the lake kayaking and when we camped out under the stars. I neglected to think about the times that drove me mad, like when you disregarded my feelings or ignored my text messages. All I could think of was the cherishable times we shared.

Then came the anger. I was mad about the way things had concluded. I was mad at myself for ending things when they were seemingly so good (weren't they? I found myself questioning that...). I was mad at you, too. I hated that you didn't put forth the effort necessary to make this relationship float off into the sunset. You could have cared more, but you simply chose not tot. And with this anger came more…

Sadness. To be honest, I was a bit of a mess. Okay- a big, hot (?) mess. Everytime I talked to my friends I would make remarks like, "Ugh, he's such a scumbag," but I really didn't mean it. I wanted to... but I didn't. Everytime I said to my friends, "He better not be at this party!" I secretly wished you would show up. I spent most of my time looking at the cars driving in and wishing it was your old green, rusty truck. Was this what denial felt like? My days were spent longing for you to send me a text message stating that you still loved me. Instead, I would check my phone every minute to find no reply.

That lead to depression (but wasn't I already there?). I couldn't find joy in anything, A puppy would walk by me and I would struggle to smile. The sun would shine it's beautiful rays on my skin and I would still pout. I felt as though nothing would bring me out of this newfound "funk." It seemed to last forever.

Until the day that I felt better. I woke up and the sun shined directly through my window in a way that I had never seen before. I can't explain it. One day I simply felt… good. Not entirely one hundred percent, but I was making a comeback. I wish I could put it into words. For a moment, I didn't feel the need to cry the mascara off my eyelashes. And if it weren't for you, I would have never felt this way. It was a whole new sense of empowerment that I would have never achieved if I had never had my heart ripped in pieces… and then put it back together on my own terms. I wanted to take on the world.

Not to say that I don't get sad from time to time when reminiscing about the past. Whenever I drink raspberry vodka, the tears seem to flow (I tend to stay away from that stuff). Yet, you made me realize that I'm strong enough to go through the depths of hell and still rise from it. If I were to go back in time and be able to change things- I wouldn't. You made me come to terms with my strengths, and even my weaknesses. For that, I thank you. You may cross my mind from time to time, but I doubt we will ever share secrets like we once did- and I'm okay with that.

I think that's what they call growth. But then again, what do I know.