It isn't rare to lose yourself.

Losing yourself may not always be a bad thing but it can sometimes be a necessity to growing up and becoming a more mature you. I admit, I feel sad sometimes as I go back and look at photos from high school. I say things like “Wow, I was so skinny!” “What was I wearing?!” or even “I can’t believe I was friends with them.” But the one thing I never thought I would think was “Look how happy I was.”

It seems that we take for granted the times when we were most happy. Not having a worry in the world and being free-hearted seems to be a feeling that is so rare now. I think to myself, “I use to be so funny or witty,” “I use to have all these friends and love,” “what wrong?” I believe that in high school that I was a happy-go-lucky person. I usually gave people the benefit of the doubt and believed in no evil. However, that doesn’t mean I was the best form of myself. I was also lazy, relied on people more than I would have liked and thought my social status was more important than anything else. I hate admitting to that but now that I look back I realize that to be true about my teenage self. I “looked" happy and that is almost something I envy about my past self.

However, a picture from my past only shows the happy times. Whoever photographs the hard times? The truth was I had low self-esteem, I thought the idea of being in a relationship was more important than whether I was happy in it, I depended on social groups to give me a sense of belonging, I never felt like I was enough, and last I always felt just one step below everyone else. I struggled with finding my passion in life and was scared I never would. The fear of college consumed me while I also strived to get out of the bubble I was in. I had dreams of living in a city and being different than others while actually, I didn’t want to be that different. I wanted to be close to home and “usual” and that was a scary thing for me to confess.

So yes, I looked happy and laughed a lot in those pictures of me in high school but the truth is I struggled just as much as I do now in college.

The first year of college was one of the worst years of my life, but it was a necessary year. It pushed me to my breaking point, but it also helped me answer a lot of those high school questions. I ended up going to a school far from home, but not too far to where I couldn't drive home. I chose the typical traditional college and went against my supposed “dreams." I found myself. I found my passions. I found my independence. I found out that being in a group just for the social status was the last thing I needed. I became afraid that the one thing I truly enjoyed was being alone. That was something I would have hated in high school and when that alone happiness happened to me in college I felt as though it made me unusual. Although I discovered so much, I became depressed all over again but for all the counter reasons. The answers I strived to realize ended up terrifying me. Finding out the truth about myself was not as cracked up as they make it look in the movies and to be honest — I was scared.

Now, as a sophomore, I feel more at ease with myself. While I am still discovering who I am and what my calling is, I have discovered who I am not. I am not the girl who relies on others to be happy. I found out what it is like to be happy in a healthy relationship. I am not the girl who can get away without studying and being lazy. I am not someone who needs a label to feel defined. We win some, we lose some and we move on. That is what I have learned so far in college.

Just remember, when looking back at old photos that not everything was as great as it looks. We never quit having our hard times in life and just because we are sad or feel lost, does not mean that we don’t have something to be happy and look forward to in the present. Don’t lose yourself in the past because you weren't all that happy then and don’t forget yourself now because of the fact that you don't feel happy. Never quit searching for happiness and never overlook it while you have it. There is always happiness and joy wherever there is depression, it just takes some deep and major realization. Life is moving fast and we are changing with it but in the end, it is all for the better you. Never forget to cherish the moments, learn from the worst and remember the best.