High school was never my prime time to be alive.
I wouldn’t say that I hated it, but I definitely didn’t love it. I was your typical “can’t wait to get out of here” type of girl. I was tired of the small town feel and was itching for exciting new worlds ahead. Now, looking back on that girl that I used to be, there are a few things I wish I could’ve told myself. I wasn’t particularly fond of my appearance, I wondered if all my focus on one subject would truly pay off, and I wondered if I’d stay in touch with the people I was going to leave behind. My first year of college was a roller coaster of changes, emotions, and stress, but I know I came out better in the end.
First off, I would tell myself, “You Are Beautiful”
Constantly throughout high school I hated the way I looked. I’d stress about my pores, my hair, my weight, and so many other stupid things. I looked at myself in pictures and thought “Goodness, you’re a hippo.” I now realize that I wasn’t even close. I’m sure all girls go through that, in one way or another. I had a lot of skinny friends so it was hard. I was the biggest one and when you feel like a doughnut surrounded by carrot sticks, it kinda gets to you. I started working out and eating healthy or just eating less. Everyday at lunch I would have a thermos of Campbell’s soup and a diet coke. I told myself that was all I deserved. Now, when I look back in those yearbooks, I see a girl who was beautiful, healthy, and didn’t need to do that to herself. There was nothing wrong with me. Making that connection made me realize that there’s nothing wrong with me now. So, when I have a fat day (which is more rare now than in high school) where I just feel like a balloon, I remind myself of that girl from high school, who had been wrong all those years.
Secondly, I’d write about my passion and tell myself to “Stick With It”
The last two years of high school I decided to dive into the music realm and ditch other hobbies behind. I had decided to become a chorus teacher. I dove head first into music theory, practicing piano and voice everyday during my free periods, and even missing out on some social events just to practice more or to learn more. I fell in love with the classical world of music. I spent the last two years of my high school career, preparing myself for what was to come. I knew I wanted to pursue music because it’s my passion. Some people laughed, told me I was a fool, I’ll never make any money, but they didn’t understand. What’s the point of making the money if I sincerely hate the job and I’m not happy? I’d rather share my passion with the young minds of America rather than make a couple extra grand every year at a job I hate. It has still paid off and I don’t regret sticking with it.
I’d also tell myself,“It’s Okay to Let Go”
I have virtually lost almost every close relationship I had in high school. Some just faded, others are still wounds that are healing, but all in all I wouldn’t take back any of the memories I made with those people. The people that we encounter in our lives are there because we need them. There is a hole there which must be filled. As time goes on, our needs change and sometimes new ones come in their place. Although I no longer speak to hardly any of my old high school friends I still hope that they are doing alright, even the friendships that turned sour in the end. Even though those people are no longer involved in my life, the time spent wasn’t a waste. I learned and I grew with those people, from kindergarten all the way to senior year. They helped me learn that eventually you have to stop looking back and move on to the next chapter. I cherish their contribution to my life and I often tell myself that every person we encounter in our life is there for a reason. Whether it be a lesson, or just what we need at the time, there’s a reason for every one of the people we encounter and welcome into our lives, short lived or not.
Lastly, I’d write about “Fear of the Future”
I have always been a control freak. I’m a psycho planner and when the plan doesn’t work, I freak out. Or at least I used to. After my house fire my freshman year of high school, a lot changed. My anxiety swelled through the years, my stress levels were out of control, and I became very introverted. Gradually through my first year of college I have reversed those problems. Tons of late night fire drills helped me with the PTSD of my own experience. The first fire drill I was a shaking mess as soon as I woke up. My heart was pounding and I raced out of the room as fast as I could. As we sat outside in the hot August air I shivered because when my house had been up in flames it was late December. I looked at my body and was upset that I couldn’t control. Then gradually through the year, the symptoms subsided. I still shiver every time, but at least I can control myself better. I still plan everything out, but I’m much more lax if it doesn’t work out. I’ve come to the realization that you can’t control all that life throws at you, like a house fire, or a break up, or even just a traffic jam. Life happens and you just have to swallow it and go on. I try to not clutter my mind with paranoia, anxiety, and fear of my future anymore. I’ve decided to just go with the flow and try to enjoy the ride. I’m still pretty introverted, but I’ve found that having extroverted friends can help that. I met some pretty social people my first year at college and they’ve helped me grow a little. Instead of watching a movie alone in my room I started going over to friends’ rooms more often. As I’ve grown closer with these extroverts, people associate me more with them. “If she’s friends with a great person like you then she must be pretty okay!”
