A few days ago, I lost not only my boyfriend but my best friend. I broke up with him and in the moment it felt like such a wise decision but now I'm left here wondering if I really did make the right decision...
When you miss someone it is very easy to romanticize everything that you went through, both the goods and the bads. That is where I currently am. I find myself blaming the entire failure of the relationship on myself and although I know in my head that that is not at all true my heart and the gnawing feeling in my stomach make me feel that maybe it was all my fault.
I guess that I am then left with the impending decision of either letting the guilt and the the would haves, could haves, and should haves eat me alive or I can move on. Moving on is harder than I thought. Going from talking to someone everyday and now having to sit back and helplessly watch them become a stranger is damaging. I have found myself at one of the lowest points in my life but I comfort myself with knowing that I have been through far worse than this and that there will eventually be someone else to take the role that he was no longer willing to fill and appreciate.
And that right there is exactly what happened to us. The fighting became ever more frequent but the appreciation and love for one another became smothered under all of that fighting. Honestly, I knew it was happening a long time ago.
But who knows? Maybe our paths will cross each others again one day but right now, at this particular point in our lives, we are most definitely not meant together and I am beginning to see that he was a mistake that I needed to make.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have a special place for him. He was my first love and I think that right there is what makes this whole ordeal that much painful, but I think that we are just too toxic for one another and that we'd be better not being in each others lives for a while. Wow, it kills me to say that. And I know part of that pain is because the wound is still so fresh but I hope that it will heal and I can eventually move on to whatever is next.