If Only Others Could Understand

If only people could understand, if only they could understand how my crazy brain works and how it analyzes any and every situation. My brain can find the worst possibility in any situation and come up with multiple different pathways with multiple different outcomes that I should then choose from. I understand that this could seem as though it is a very neat and good problem to have, but it seems to bring more issues than blessings.

I've struggled for years with the fact that I am me. I've cried to many friends and especially to my mom asking and pleading for an answer of why I am the way that I am and why I can't even understand my own thoughts. All of them seem like they understand the pain that it causes me to feel this way however I just can never feel as though any one could or will ever be able to understand.

I suffer from anxiety and depression and those things are some that I have hidden for the majority of my life. People view me as the super strong girl who has the perfect life and has no place for trouble in my life. But those closest to me know the struggle that I face daily, the struggle to be able to understand why I make decisions I make and why I have such a hard time making them. I wish everyday to be able to understand this myself. To understand why my brain brings up worries and circumstances to make me contemplate and worry about.

I struggle as a high school senior with things that seem to be a struggle for everyone at my age like keeping good grades, holding many positions in extracurricular activities, planning my future life, picking and working towards getting into a certain college. However my struggles with these topics seem to be far more difficult than they are for other teens. I have a hard time feeling as though I am a "normal teen". I fear that I haven't gotten to live the life of a teen like all of the people I know for my fear gets in the way all too often.

I am a girl whose brain I can't even understand. People ask me why I make the decisions that I make and If i am sure of them and I never have an answer that is good or yes because I never know why and if I am sure. I know that I hurt other unintentionally out of fear of hurting them worse in the future or out of fear that I might miss something else. However I make decisions and regret them because I'm never sure if they were made for the best.

I wish people could understand that my motives are never to hurt people or to hurt my future or that I really never have motives at all. I wish people could just understand that I live a constant battle with myself and my brain. I feel like I am constantly broken because I don't know how to handle this life I've so generously been given. I wish I could get my thoughts out in this article better than they come out but that's just another trouble I face.