From the time I can remember, I have always been the kind of girl who defined herself by the grades I received. If it is anything less than an A, I am a failure...I just plainly give up.

My academic strength determines my value as a human being.

For awhile, this wasn't a bad thing and in fact was something I used to push myself harder and harder and got me to where I am today. If I wasn't that way throughout my childhood, I am not sure I would've made it to the college I am at now.

In high school, I was dedicated beyond belief to my academics. Sure, there were days I showed up without worksheets done and I may have forgotten about an exam or two, but overall I made school my life. Homework was something I looked forward to because it was a time I could ignore every problem I had and immerse myself in something, I believed then, that could make me better.

I was always the one that was going to make amazing things out of the shitload of bad cards I've been dealt. Everyone would always say, "Brianna is going to be a doctor" or "It's probably a breeze for her, ask her for help" or even "Brianna is going to medical school and will make so much money with her life." I didn't realize then that those things people would say were the things I was basing my worth off of.

During high school, I stifled all of the trauma, disfunction, nightmares, sleepless nights, and painful experiences by becoming the girl who was oddly sarcastic and could make anyone and everyone laugh. I played everything off and I was a living, breathing meme. I drowned myself in my books, my job at the YMCA, and clubs/activities. Teachers praised my work and dedication.

At the same time I was ignoring all of the problems I knew I'd have to someday deal with. Although, I never really thought I would. During this time in my life, I began losing my hope in everything and school was the bandaid that I couldn't use anymore.

Everything changed when I came to college.

In college, the avoidance technique fell apart extremely quickly, and with that went my mental health stability. I was no longer interested in doing the best I could in school because no matter what, I was never going to be the best in a school where all "the best" already went. I was always destined to be mediocre.

What do you do when the one thing that defines your worth, is now worthless?

As my mental health continues falling apart, so do my academics. I attempt to read for a class and I have to re-read the same thing seven times before I can even gather a basic understanding of the words. I start writing and forget what I'm writing about. I can't concentrate on anything anymore.

What happens when trauma takes away the goals you've had for your entire life? When it makes you feel like the one thing you've always been good at, is gone? When it makes you question every aspect of your very identity and value as a human being?

My guess is that you reimagine yourself.

I've been told a lot recently that being "smart" isn't everything--I am at a university, so that means something, right? Some of the smartest people in the world don't even end up doing anything with their lives. But it's hard to tell yourself that when you get back grades and as time goes on, those grades go deeper and deeper into the alphabet.

Maybe academics aren't everything. Maybe I am the one that has to go in and change my extremely high standards. But school is my only option...my only way out.

It's hard to tell yourself anything when you're losing you.