It has taken some time for me to write this article because I wasn't even sure I wanted to write it in the first place. But after a few weeks of jamming to Selena Gomez's song, "Lose You To Love Me" I decided to write it.
When I was in high school I dove headfirst into an insane relationship that, looking back, never even made any sense. We spent almost all of our time apart and when we were together, things felt forced and awkward. It was easier for me to love who I imagined him to be through a phone screen than it was for me to love him for who he was. I think that was true in the reserve as well.
I spent well over a year of my life devoting every part of me to someone that never deserved me in the first place. I spent well over a year of my life devoting myself to someone I loved but was also trying so hard to 'fix'.
Much like Selena and Justin Bieber, my ex and I loved each other and tried desperately to make things work for us, but we were never meant to be endgame. The relationship was built on a foundation of manipulation, minimal self-worth, and desperation.
Much like Selena says in the song, I put him first because he promised me the unconditional love that I was so desperate to have. But in return, I was met with manipulation and pain that was only tearing right through me. I had to get to a place where I found the strength within myself to see what everyone else was telling me.
I saw the isolation and sadness. I saw the control. I saw the grooming that had taken place and the abusive behavior that I had been trained to think was love. I saw the happiness that I hadn't genuinely felt in what felt like a lifetime. But I also saw the incredible mountain of strength it was going to take to leave. But little by little, I gathered it.
Once I made the choice to cut him off, my life started to change. I was happier, kinder. I was calmer and easier to talk to. I started discovering a new version of myself. One where I put my happiness first for once. One where I smile and there is real happiness behind it. A version of myself where I am not scared to love someone in the best possible way and know that it will be okay. I fell in love with that version of myself and since then, I have been working to keep that version of myself alive.
Granted, none of my progress happened overnight. Much like Selena, there were a lot of tears, pain, and therapy to get here. I went through a lot to find this new version of myself. I went through even more to love her.
I am still working every day on loving myself. But giving myself the opportunity to cut out the toxic parts of my life and appreciate myself in all lights, was the best choice I have ever made.
