Losing a loved one is always hard -- whether it's a spouse, family member or a close friend. It's especially hard when you lose that person simply because they didn't want to live anymore. It raises lots of questions: Why didn't they talk to me? Why did they do it? Is it my fault? These are all questions that went through my head when I dealt with this kind of tragedy myself. It's a hard thing to deal with but from my own personal experience, I promise it WILL get easier.
A little over three years ago, I lost one of my best friends to suicide. His name was Cal and he was one of the sweetest, cutest, most awesome people I'd ever met. In addition to being one of my bffs, I was also secretly in love with him. Losing him was really hard for me. Honestly, it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I still think about him a lot; I didn't even get to say goodbye. I wish I could see him and be with him again just one more time...even for just five more minutes. I still miss him all the time.
When you lose a loved one to suicide, it leaves you with so many questions that you want answers to. Most of which you'll probably never get. You want answers and need closure which is hard to get. I still have questions; I know why he did it but there are so many other answers I don't have. Why he didn't reach out to me when he was depressed? He always seemed happy around me, but obviously he wasn't. In situations like this, it's only natural for us to feel guilty. As his friend, shouldn't I have known he was depressed? How did I not know? Was he hiding how he felt or was I just a bad friend to him? Even worse, there are those few guilt-ridden questions I can't help but wonder about. Was it somehow my fault? Was there something I could've done to prevent this? If I had been there when he decided to do it, could I have stopped him or gotten him to change his mind? The answer is no -- nothing I could've done would have saved my friend. That doesn't change how I feel though. I still get sad when I think about it and I still cry sometimes.
There are two things that have really helped me deal with the grief over the past few years. The first is music. Music always makes the pain go away, at least for awhile, and music understands me. The second is friends. We used to gather in a group at the tunnel where Cal passed to mourn together & console each other. I met several of his other friends and they knew how I felt because they felt the same way. In facing this tragedy together, many of his friends became mine as well. They really helped me get through it and I hope I did the same for at least one of them. They were there whenever I wanted to talk or if I just needed a hug, no questions asked, and the same went for them in return. While I met lots of people through losing Cal, one person in particular (thanks, Tyler) helped me the most. He became my best friend and he's always there when I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. That means a lot to me.
When a loved one takes their life it ends their pain, their suffering & their heartache. But in a way, those feelings just transfer to the people they leave behind. The initial pain felt by the surviving loved ones can seem almost unbearable at first, but that pain does lessen eventually. Personally, I found that it really helps to have an outlet to express your feelings. For me, it's writing poetry. For others, it can be through music, dance, nature or just about anything that brings you a sense of happiness. Find a calming way to express your thoughts -- it really does help.
I also have a message for those who are currently experiencing depression or anyone who is contemplating suicide. YOU ARE NOT BEYOND SAVING. These words, taken from the lyrics of a Dalton Rapattoni song, are very fitting and true. If you're feeling depressed or even hopeless, don't give up. Always remember that your life is worth saving. Seek the help of a counselor or therapist. It may seem as though your troubles are beyond repair, but you'd be surprised just how much it can help to have a safe space to talk through your feelings and have someone there just to listen. Reach out to your friends and family. It may not seem like it now, but there are people that love and care about you. You can get through this and you are worth it!
To those of you who have also lost a loved one to suicide, you can get through this, too. Don't keep your feelings bottled up inside. Instead, find someone you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with and tell them how you're feeling. It's not your fault and your loved one would never want you to blame yourself I feel guilty for their actions. They would want you to be happy. Honor the life of your lost loved one by living your life to the fullest. It's hard to accept things like this in life and it may seem like the tears will never stop, but one day you'll wake up and realize you're not crying anymore. It's OK to take your time; not everyone moves on at the same speed. I still haven't fully gotten over my loss. Just remember that even when a loved one is no longer with us, the memories you shared will live on forever.
I'd like to close with a message to my late friend. Cal, I love you. I think about you all the time. I hope you're OK, wherever you are, and I hope you're happy now. I wish I could see you one last time. To hug you one last time. I miss you so much, every single day.
