“What do you enjoy doing for fun?”
As soon as the question left his mouth, I could feel my face get hot and palms start to sweat. My mind instantly began racing, desperately in search of an answer, any answer, but preferably something that didn’t sound cliché or “basic.”
It was the first time someone had asked me that question since my former relationship of five years had ended abruptly, only a few weeks prior.
After stumbling through a sentence or two about friends, my dog, and sports (Yep. So much for not being basic.), I counted down the minutes until it would be appropriate to excuse myself from the date to go home and cry. This was not how I imagined my first date since high school, as a single person, going.
I made it through the rest of the date, but I couldn’t stop asking myself, “What do you enjoy doing for fun, by yourself, just because it brings you happiness or purpose?” I couldn’t find an answer because everything “fun” I could think of was an experience, tradition, activity, etc. that involved my former significant other.
And that’s when it hit me like an atomic truth bomb—I had slowly been losing my individuality and my purpose over the past few years because I had equated my identity to my relationship.
I had literally built my life around one person and the future I thought we had. Now that my plan was shot, I had no clue what my next steps should be. I didn’t even feel like I knew who I was anymore, but I was determined to find out.
I haven’t been at it long, but here’s what I’ve learned so far: rediscovering yourself after a long-term relationship is challenging and painful, but it can also be a lot of fun. It’s kind of like being a completely clean canvas, and you get to be in charge of every detail that does/does not go on it.
Slowly, you rediscover old things you’d forgotten you enjoy, and you have a desire and freedom to pursue anything you think you might. The newfound feeling of independence and confidence that accompanies the gradual process of remaking yourself is pretty great too.
There’s no magic formula or template to follow because, thank God, we’re all unique. So, be smart, but give yourself room to make mistakes. Honestly, the best lessons I’ve learned are through trial and error, especially the error (I solemnly swear to never revive my Tinder profile).
Most importantly, take what you’ve learned from your past relationship(s), and tuck it away. Never lose your resolve to maintain your individuality, regardless of your relationship status. You need to maintain that in order for your own happiness and for your next relationship’s success because, when your identity is wrapped up in another person or relationship, you hold yourself back, and you also deprive your partner of the unique characteristics you have to offer.
Five months into this rediscovery thing and "what do you do for fun?" still isn't my favorite question. However, I now have a short list of authentic answers that I'm actively making longer.
