I didn't expect much out of college. I knew I wanted to be a nurse, and college was going to help me achieve just that. However, I did not realize that I was about to embark on a voyage of self-discovery. A few months in, I was going insane. I was a chaotic mess. My nights ended at roughly at five a.m., and my mornings started three hours later.
Drowning in self-pity and shots of espresso, I found myself unhappy. My parents heard from me at any hour I could reach them. I hated my classes, felt uncomfortable in my room and out of place with my new friends. Every night the same question would replay in my mind: who am I?
All my life, I've been the girl with a plan. Yet, here I was, in a tiny sailboat, fighting through the waves of higher education and self-deprecation. One morning, while literally running to my nursing class, reality smacked me in the face.
My mother used to tell me, “You can do anything. You can be anything.” This statement used to be just be hollow words to me. Not that they weren’t sincere, but because I never allowed myself to believe her. Finally, something in this moment made these words a reality.
With my friends, I was being too self-conscious. It was as if they were succeeding while I was trying to keep my head above the water. I would repeatedly ask myself, how they could want to be friends with someone like me? Before college, I was content with simply reading in my room on Saturday nights. Now, it felt like if I chose time for myself, then my new friends would not find me worth their time. Essentially, I had lost all self-confidence.
So, as I sat listening to lecture on the human anatomy, I realized I hated college so much because I was forcing myself to be someone that I simply am not meant to be. By studying to be a nurse, I was trying to please my parents and hang on to the memory of my deceased grandmother.
I looked at nursing as the Holy Grail for success and piety. If I could be a nurse, I would satisfy my family and have a degree that insures me a career. I was limiting myself to these ridiculous expectations that I linked to my own self-worth.
After with these new revelations, I headed back home with a mission to regain the person I lost. My family and friends helped me to see that it’s okay to just be OK. I don't have to know where I am headed right now. I'm 19, and barely finishing my first year of college but, in this moment, knowing myself is more important than knowing the title of my future career.
Thus, I dropped nursing and decided to pursue only the things that I love: English, Spanish, and global studies. God only knows if this is the path I will stay on. I could change my decision next week, but that’s why college is so great; you can do and become anything you desire.
I also began allowing myself to let my friends into my heart. Sometimes it's hard to let them see all the parts of me, but I'm trying harder. When you lose sight of your self-worth, all you can do is try harder to let yourself and others love you fully. With time and patience, I've come to call my school a second home. I realized that Saint Mary’s is giving me the time and opportunity to find myself, where I belong, and to regain control of my life. This may make me another self-seeking college cliché, but who said that’s a bad thing?
