As my first year of college comes to an end I am met with exhaustion, but also joy, thankfulness and a sense of wisdom. This year has not been easy and finding myself in a place with an immense amount of freedom and absolutely no accountability has been one of the most challenging experiences that I have ever faced. I have grown immensely in my faith and in my confidence, as well as in my conviction that the dreams I have are leading me in the right direction, but I've also developed a fear of failure.
I always knew that this college was the right one for me -- I fell in love with it the moment I stepped foot on campus and felt like God was telling me to look around, that He had been saving this place for me. I was home, but home is not always the easiest place to be. My family sacrificed a lot for me to attend my dream school. I fought to be able to call this college home and constantly reassured my parents that I would succeed, that I had a plan.
As I made my way through my first year, I tried my best to take advantage of every single opportunity that was presented to me. I was terrified of failure. I was scared that I wasn’t making the most of my experience. The last thing I wanted was for my loved ones to be disappointed in me, to regret giving up what they gave up for me.
This had many consequences. A few weeks ago, I stood facing my sophomore year, realizing that I had fallen into the trap that so many first year students fall into. I had spent this year dipping my toes into everything, pursuing leadership roles and titles in just about every organization that interested me. I hadn’t taken any time for myself in the last few months to reflect. I hadn’t paid much attention to my faith, something so important and central to me. I constantly felt overwhelmed and wasn't able to invest as much time into my relationships as I wanted. In order to feel like I was taking every opportunity, I lost the ability to say "No." Instead, I said "Yes" to everything, which resulted in an overwhelmingly full schedule and no time for myself. I had given all of my time away to my fear of being seen as a failure. In my mission to avoid failure and disappointment at all costs, I had almost walked away from my identity.
Next year, I plan to be a little more selfish. I plan to take a little more time for myself, to focus on making myself a better person. I plan on dropping some organizations and picking up others that will make me stronger and more equipped for my career path. I want to become more deeply involved in a few things, rather than stretched thin across 14 different clubs. I plan to figure out who I am a little bit more.
Most importantly, I plan on loving myself a little more. I want to trust myself and my abilities more and understand that my family and friends don’t love me because of how successful I am, but simply for being myself and having the dreams that I have.
So take a breath. Know that you are cherished and appreciated and that there are people who would do anything for you. Be a little selfish and put yourself first every now and then, because your worth is not your GPA or your major or the number of internships you complete. Your worth is what you choose.
