Sometimes, I look at the clouds. And they take on your likeness. A beautiful, mesmerizing, lovely image. I smile, I promise. Because you gave me so much. You brought light and meaning and trust. Words that weren't part of my existence before. I was small and unsure and scared of opening up. Showing myself to those I didn't know would stick around.
People leave, you see. They always do. Or sometimes you, yourself, decide to throw in the towel for one reason or another. But I didn't think you would do that. I didn't think you were the kind I would ever have to worry about.
Innocent and naive, the two of us. Maybe you a bit more than me but the grounds we walked on were even. And I wanted our footsteps to be mirroring, in sync, as I thought we always had been. I could see our journeys transitioning from separate to together. This could be it, I thought. The momentum is speeding up and reality can finally match up with the desire I had held onto for so many years. Years of silence and waiting and pining and all that other romance novel-worthy nonsense that I hated.
But then you were gone.
The physical absence I could take, as it happened in spurts and you always came back. But the emotional absence I could not bear. It was what I had always feared. You were becoming the man I had never thought you could be. You slipped from my fingers as the sanity slipped from my mind. I hated it and I hated myself.
I blamed myself, you see. Could I have done something different? Tried harder? Been better? It became about me, me, me. It was all because of me. It was what I had done. Never did I have the ability or desire to blame you.
Which is what I should have done, I now see.
Because it wasn't me. I had made mistakes, sure, but I gave you everything I had. I did all that was asked of me and more. And yet that person wasn't good enough for you. I did nothing for you, regardless of the time we had walked side by side.
It took a day for you to label us as meaningless. I could be wrong, though. You could have struggled as much as I did. But I will always assume the worst until you tell me otherwise. Will you though? Because I don't believe you're capable of it.
Sometimes, I look at the clouds. And they take on your likeness. An infuriating, dispicable, ugly image. I cry, I promise.
