Cambridge, Mass. -- Having mustered all of her inner strength, Miranda Baker, 23, climbed out of her memory-foam mattress Saturday morning, dried the tears from her eyes, and proceeded to the kitchen to fix a light breakfast. As she placed an English muffin in a toaster, she turned on the local news and could not help but be overcome with weeping for the second time that morning.
“I’m sorry. I’m just very uneasy right now,” said Baker to reporters as she spread a generous helping of strawberry rhubarb onto her toasted pastry. “It has been an absolutely terrible week for me.”
Baker is of course referring to two recent events that have captivated the masses: the killing of Cecil the Lion and the upholding of Tom Brady’s four-game suspension.
Cecil, a protected lion of Hwange National Park, was illegally poached by a Minnesota dentist by the name of Walter Palmer, according to the Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force. This event has garnered national attention and many, including celebrities like Jimmy Kimmel, have gone great lengths to voice their dejection toward the tragic loss of this beloved African beauty.
“My heart is so full of sorrow for that poor creature,” exclaimed Baker. “In fact I’m so upset, I’m going to devote myself to promoting awareness for this cause rather than any other pertinent issues.”
Added Baker: “With atrocities like this being committed, I can’t even focus on spreading the word of more significant events. You know, like how ISIS terrorists opened fire and killed nearly 40 beach-goers in Tunisia two Fridays ago. Or how upwards of 800 innocents have been slaughtered by extremists in central Africa in the past couple months. This lion issue is much more important.”
In addition to her stance on raising awareness of the horrors of African game hunting rather than those of human genocide, Baker has taken to voicing her thoughts on the injustice of Tom Brady's suspension, which he received for allegedly conspiring to deflate footballs during the 2015 AFC Championship Game.
“This injustice is very minor, but I will treat it as serious as any other more pressing issue at hand,” exclaimed Baker, as she typed a passionately-worded Facebook status detailing her hatred of Roger Goodell.
Said Baker: "Tom Brady's suspension is an injustice so trivial compared to most in our world. But I'd still rather discuss that than any issue of substance; for example, how horrendous it is that the NFL views deflating footballs as equally punishable as assaulting and threatening to kill your girlfriend. I just feel my time is best spent circulating stories like these in preference to real issues that need national attention."
