It’s said that a girl’s first love is always her father, but how can I love someone who was never there? It’s been 19 years since you left my life, dad. I don’t know where you are, how you’re doing or if you have grown into the person I always imagined you would be. Are you a father to other kids now? Do you treat them the way you should have treated me these last 19 years that I’ve been without you?
I always thought that you leaving was my fault. I asked myself time and time again if you left simply because I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t what you wanted. I have never had the opportunity to meet you, nor have I ever heard the conformation that you are indeed my dad. I wish you understood how heart-wrenching it has been to get through life without a father. You were supposed to be my first love, we were supposed to have a daddy-daughter relationship, like the kind they see in the movies.
You were the person that was supposed to walk me down the aisle and hand me off to the man who promised to love me for the rest of my life. Instead, as soon as you heard that you were going to be a father, you were out of the door as fast as you entered it. There were a couple people who tried to replace you since I was born, but they were never permanent, they were never my dad.
Growing up, I always blamed mom for pushing you away. I thought she was the only reason you had not stayed. Now I’ve come to realize that she has done everything she could do to ensure a quality life for me because not only did she have to be a mother, she had to fill the void you left. She became the kick-ass superhero single mom that you see in the movies, the kind that does everything she can to make sure her kids had a good life. Let me assure you, she did an amazing job without your help.
So dad, as you continue to live your life deprived of the responsibilities of your children, all I can say is thank you. I don’t know how different my life would be if you had stayed, nor do I know if I would be in the place I am now if you were here but I wouldn’t want my life any different. I am slowly but surely becoming the person I always wanted to be with the help the best support system a girl could ask for filled with people who wouldn’t leave my side no matter what; and for that, I’m forever thankful. I want you to know that even if you don’t love me, I will always have a spot in my heart for you because at the end of the day, you are my father.
