Last week I experienced something most college students go through at some point: test anxiety. My first organic chemistry test was this past week and anyone who has taken organic chemistry knows the struggle and anyone who hasn't, is lucky. I spent over a week preparing for this exam; countless index cards, crazy mnemonics, and a plethora of practice problems. Test day finally arrived and I felt confident. I knew my material and I knew I would do well.
I got out of my 8:50 class early and had about 15 minutes to prepare last minute before my exam. Sitting in the cafeteria, cramming before I had to go to class, I began to doubt myself and my preparation. One of my professors from last year walked into the cafeteria, looked at me, and said "you look green, why are you so anxious right now?'
It was in that moment that I realized how scared I was for this test. I had never been scared for a test before and here I was, getting physically ill at the idea of the upcoming exam.
Walking up the stairs I was out of breath, my chest felt tight, and I couldn't stop my legs from trembling underneath me. When the test was finally passed out and I started, I couldn't think straight, I felt nauseous, and all the material I spent so long jamming into my head seemed to magically fly away.
When the test was finally over, I left the classroom feeling defeated, not because I wasn't prepared for the test but because my anxiety prevented me from doing as well as I should have. The rest of the day I walked around clouded by my own thoughts and emotions. I couldn't talk without bursting into tears, I couldn't eat without feeling sick to my stomach, and I couldn't do anything without my chest feeling tight.
I went throughout the rest of my day feeling sick, out of breath, nervous, and physically sick. I couldn't believe that a test I had felt so confident about yesterday was now making me feel so sick.
Now whenever I walk into my organic chemistry classroom the thoughts and emotions from test day come flooding back to me and I feel sick all over again. I associate the terrible feelings of that one day with the classroom and with the subject.
I don't know how or why it is okay or normal for students to feel this way about a test.
We take hundreds or thousands tests in our life, yet here we are, making ourselves physically sick over one test, that in the grand scheme of things, won't affect our futures.
To anyone else who experiences test anxiety, I just wanted to apologize and say you aren't alone. It's importance we all realize that while tests are important, they don't define us. Our test scores don't determine our worth. We are all allowed a bad day, allowed to do poorly once in awhile, without subjecting ourselves to criticism. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and prepare, you can't always do as well as you want. And it's important to realize that that it is okay.
No score is worth your self worth. No test is worth your health-- physical or mental.
