It started with turning the light switch on or off in a specific way. Then it led to thinking certain thoughts when opening or closing something - like a box or a drawer. Before leaving a store, I'd feel this overwhelming urge to retrace my steps back through the isles before leaving through the same door I entered. If I turned left, I had to turn right. Everywhere I went, I counted my steps. Everything needed to be organized, in order, color coordinated, and straight. Horrible and evil thoughts would come to my mind and I couldn't stop thinking of them no matter how much I tried - making me feel like a bad person and very guilty. I dreaded using public bathrooms due to germs. I hated touching money and library books for the same reason. Also, I refused to eat certain foods, because I thought I was eating human body parts.
The previous paragraph describes what it was like for me growing up with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - otherwise known as OCD.
Typically, in mainstream culture, being "OCD" means a person is very particular or extremely organized. But having OCD is more than being overly "particular" or "a little too organized." It's a mental disorder - one that affects millions of people in America alone.
There are two aspects to OCD. The first aspect is the "obsession" - unwanted thoughts or urges to commit a certain act that causes anxiety for the person. The second aspect is the "compulsion" - which is done in order to pacify the anxiety caused by the obsession. The cycle repeats itself over and over. Obsession. Compulsion. Obsession. Compulsion. Obsession. Compulsion.
For example, as a child, I felt the need to retrace my steps before leaving a store. I was "obsessed" with going back because I had this overwhelming dread that something horrible would happen if I didn't go back - retracing my steps was the "compulsion."
OCD is different for everyone who has it - whether in intensity or the variations with certain obsessions and compulsions.
My journey with OCD has changed over the years. Rather than my symptoms manifesting themselves outwardly, they now have all migrated to my head. Both my obsessions and compulsions manifest themselves inside my head with minimal outward compulsions. As a child, my OCD was quite apparent; but if you observed me now, you probably wouldn't know I have OCD.
Currently, the main issue I deal with is rewinding conversations, events, or thought patterns. I have my good days and bad days. I find that stress affects the severity of my OCD during a certain period of time. The higher my stress level - the worse my battle is with OCD.
I'm not sharing this part of myself to make you feel sorry for me or pity me, but rather to honestly share how OCD can affect a person's life and help shed a little light on this particular mental disorder.
So next time, please think twice before you say, "I'm a little OCD," if you're only referring to being overly neat and tidy. OCD is real and people do suffer from this disorder - even if it's an invisible battle.
Thank you for reading! If you'd like to learn more about OCD, then please visit Mayo Clinic for more information.
