The hardest part of anxiety is not that nobody knows what you're going through or doesn't understand that it's not something you can control. It's the shallow breath that follows the "flip-flop" of your palpitating heart, it's the shivers you get deep inside your body when you're not even remotely cold, it's that burning sensation that flows through your collar bones down to the bottom of your ribs, and the rest that follows.
Sometimes you know when it's coming, or why you're feeling that way, but the worst is when you don't see it coming at all.
You begin thinking of all of the things you failed to do or failed to fix. Your mind starts telling you lies and digs deep into what I like to call: "The Overthinking Mode." It tells you not to say anything when you're in the middle of dinner and suddenly start to panic. So you hide it because you don't want to make a big scene or become someone else's problem. You're trying to pretend to listen to the conversations around you, showing a smile every now and then to show that you are, but you're really just trying to self-coach yourself and say "I'm fine" over and over again in your head when you know you're not.
Then comes the external side effects, for lack of a better term. You form these odd nervous habits like constantly running your fingers through your hair and moving it from side to side, biting at your cuticles until theres nothing left of them, chewing on an empty Starbucks cup or straw, cracking every bone in your body just to get some sort of feeling of satisfaction, staying in bed all day because you know you won't be able to mess anything up that way, staring at your phone aimlessly searching through every app trying to find something that will distract you long enough to forget.
Self-doubt and self-hate starts to come into play and you question everything about who you are. The questions of: Am I ever going to be good enough? Why did I do that? Why did I eat that? Am I even pretty? Do people like being around me? Do I annoy others? Will I ever be successful? Why am I even trying? And the list goes on and on...
But I slowly started to realize something as the years have gone by.
Being silent about having anxiety is one of the worst things you can do. This doesn't mean you have to tell every person walking down the street that you have anxiety or ask everyone around you for help. It's just a way to calmly confide in close people around you, those you can trust, and tell them 'hey, I'm not feeling too hot right now and I'd like your company.' Talking about it helps, it's not for everyone, but for me it's been the best thing I have done. Letting anxiety take over your life isn't fun. Drowning yourself in thoughts, isolating yourself, or talking down on who you are isn't going to fix that feeling. Going for a walk, watching a movie with friends, talking to someone, or just taking a moment to breathe can make the biggest difference. It all starts with an action. What are you willing to do to make yourself feel better? Think about it. Do it. And don't forget to love yourself along the way.
p.s. I am not an expert and do not claim that all of this will work for everyone. Just speaking my mind and what has worked for me thus far. - J.S.
