It's been only two weeks since my sophomore year of college has started, and class stress is just slowly starting to set in as I get back into my school routine. One class I'm taking this semester that I'm super excited about is creative writing. Literally, the entire class is working on creating a portfolio of work to have by the end of the semester, which is like my dream come true. It allows me to set extra time aside on a weekly basis to do what I absolutely love doing, writing to work through my own thoughts and emotions. One thing that my Professor has been stressing that has really spoken to me is the idea of negative capability, a phrase created by John Keats. Negative capability means being unsure, and being okay in that uncertainty, rather using that to your advantage to create your own unique, personal body of work.

I've been reflecting on this phrase a lot and how it works its way not only into my writing, but my personal life. Another thing my Professor has stressed is that life is unpredictable, who knows what tomorrow, or the next, or the day after that will look like. He has stressed taking in the little moments, appreciating them for what they are, and realizing that however much of your life you can plan out if a plan that can ultimately be changed.

As someone with anxiety and a lover of using a planner, and daily to-do lists to figure out what I should be doing to have a personally successful day, this mentality unsettled me. How can I just sit there, not knowing what's going to be okay, and feeling alright with that? That's a lot easier to do in my writing, because sometimes as a writer, I'll get an idea, try to plan out every little detail of what I want to say, then realize that my piece is too stagnant. There's no further development, no internal creativity to shed light from and utilize pieces to create a cohesive whole with. Then, I started realizing, if my writing appears stagnant without internal creativity, my life must also. Negative capability is what I'm currently trying to master, because I feel like my life will become so much more meaningful without an entire plan. Some of my favorite memories have been when I was spontaneous, when I wasn't outwardly searching to make a memory, why can't more of my life be like that? It can, and I'm determined to make it that way.

I want to be adaptable, and although not having an entire plan can be super scary to me, I'm starting to realize that that's what life is... that's what makes our stories interesting and engaging, and I want others to want to read mine.