"I'm fine."
This is for the ones who are either depressed, know someone depressed, or are trying to understand what depression is. Depression is not something that can just be turned off. It is always there, yet some days it is less noticeable than others. It affects roughly 15 million Americans, and I am one.
I have struggled with depression for the past year. It is a silent predator, sneaking up on you, capturing you when you are most vulnerable. It doesn’t stop until it takes its prey’s mental and physical health. It really appeared when I first started college. It felt like an anchor attached to my ankle pulling me further and further underwater. It feels like you are isolated from everything and everyone. It is something that no one ever wishes for, or wishes upon anyone.
I remember being told how people with depression felt, but I never truly understood it until I was put in their shoes. Some days I can be happy, so happy that nothing can appear to be wrong. So that means I don't have depression that day, right? No. Like I said depression doesn't just go away, it remains there. Some days it sticks out like a sore thumb, others it doesn’t. I portray my feelings and emotions as being bipolar. My feelings are ones that people who have felt them can understand. It feels as though an elephant is sitting on your chest, making it hard to breathe; like suffocation. It feels as though when something happens, everything crashes down all at once. Then there is the feeling of being lonely, even if you really aren't, you still feel like you are.
The days that depression hits hard, are the dark days. The days where getting out of bed feels like an out of reach goal. I am held hostage by my thoughts and feelings, ones that my anxiety produced. A part of me feels as though I lose my ability to control my thoughts, my feelings, and myself. My anxiety goes hand in hand with my depression, like they are a part of a team. They have the same goal in mind, destroying every little feel of hope I have, any light that is let in. They are darkness.
After being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my doctor of course prescribed me medication. The medication helps to make my days better, and helps me to not always feel depressed. Yet I still have my dark days, the days I want a pitch-black room, my bed, and to cry. It is by far not fun, but I have learned to take the good with the bad. I have more good days then bad, and I have learned that when the bad days are upon me I need to breath. Then I remember that tomorrow is a new day, full of promise. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow at the end of a storm. You must endure the bad sometimes to get the good.
For those who have depression, you are not alone. So many people go through depression and feel the same way as you do. But remember you will overcome this, you are not your illness. You are beautiful, strong, and intelligent. You will persevere, and become a stronger person because of it. And never be afraid to ask for help along the way.
