Every so often I reflect on my life and notice how certain events have affected the overall decisions made for and by me.

When looking back, I tend to focus on three incidents that impacted my life greatly. These incidents make me wonder how different my life would be if they either never happened or the results varied. Would I be happier or would I hate it? Would I have met the same people but under different circumstances? Would I be a better or worse person?

The first experience happened when I was less than a year old so I don’t really have any recollection of it but it changed the whole course of my upbringing. My family (mother, father, brother) was living in Australia at the time and one day they went on a day trip with some friends while someone kept an eye on me. They ended up hitting a kangaroo which caused the car to flip. From that moment on, my mom spent her life in a wheelchair paralyzed from the chest down.

What if that accident had never happened? So much of my life would’ve been different. My mom never would’ve touched a wheelchair and we would’ve stayed in Australia for two more years rather than moving to Maryland. My dad used to say that if my mom was never in that accident, we would’ve been traveling overseas more due to his job in the military. I tend to wonder where we would’ve ended up and how being in different countries would’ve changed my view of the world.

Being raised by someone with a disability creates new understandings of the world which I wouldn’t have if that accident didn’t happen. On one hand, I would’ve loved to see my mom walking and hiking, enjoying the outdoors rather than being confined to a chair. On the other hand, my mom made the most of her life, regardless of her disability. Her experience taught me about perseverance, resourcefulness, and asking for help. No matter how rough things get, giving up is not an option. You can’t always do everything on your own and it’s okay to let people know that you need them.

The second experience involved another car accident but this one resulted in death. In August 2014, my mom swerved into a tree when we were less than five minutes from home. After being in a coma for 15 days, my family decided to pull the plug. I was 16 at the time and my brother had already left for college.

What if we had never left the house that day? What if my mom was still alive? What if I went to live with my sisters instead of staying with my father?

I question whether saying, “no” to leaving the house would’ve prevented the accident. Even though I knew something was off, I didn’t say anything. I happily climbed into the car completely clueless as to what was about to happen but that doesn’t make it any easier to forgive myself. I never would’ve had to call 911 or my dad to explain what transpired. I wouldn’t have spent days in the hospital hoping she would pull through yet knowing deep down she was gone. Yes, it made me stronger and taught me how valuable life is but it left scars so profound, there's no telling when they'll fade. No 16-year-old should have to go through that.

If my mom was still alive, I wouldn’t have gotten away with half the crap I got away with my junior and senior year of high school. My father wouldn’t have started dating and ended up with a fiancé a year later. We wouldn’t have moved into his fiancé’s house and I wouldn’t have lashed out, trying to regain control in a situation where I had none. My mom would’ve attended my high school graduation and taken me to tour colleges. She would've been there for me when I needed her the most.

Instead, my father was stuck with me and he tried his hardest but when I lost my mom, I lost a part of my dad too. Only after the fact did I find out that my sisters wanted me to come live with them because they were afraid that our dad wouldn’t be able to give me everything I needed to grow and mature. Looking back, they were right and I think it would’ve been good for me to get away. But, I never would’ve been able to leave my father—not alone.

The last experience occurred right before I graduated high school. My friend and I decided to eat dinner before a film festival which was being held at the school. Instead of simply eating at a restaurant, we climbed on the marching band stand and ate up there. As I was climbing down, I lost my grip and fell. I broke my neck and my elbow. Ultimately, it changed the course of my college career, as well as, my future career.

What if I hadn’t fallen? What if I had severed my spinal cord?

I was supposed to go to the Air Force Academy but with two broken bones, attending basic training was no longer an option. They rescinded my acceptance and I had to fight to get into a normal university. If I hadn’t fallen, I wouldn’t be here at FSU, I would be at the Academy with my brother. Sometimes I think it worked out for the best because I enjoy it here. On the other hand, my injury destroyed any chance of joining the military which was my goal.

It could’ve been worse though. I could’ve followed in my mother’s footsteps and ended up paralyzed. The vertebrae I broke were the exact same ones she broke in the car accident in Australia. I don’t know if I could’ve handled it the way she did; I enjoy my independence too much.

All in all, everything happens for a reason. My life turned out the way it did because that’s what was supposed to happen. No matter how much I wonder about other possibilities, I wouldn’t change the lessons I’ve learn. They make me who I am today.