When I tell people I have anxiety, I often feel like there is this stigma that I'm a fragile glass doll that will shatter at the first sign of stress. That, or I simply have no idea how to cope with life's twists and turns. Anxiety is not a fancy term to say I can't handle the stresses of life, because I can. Anxiety is scary and overwhelming, not because I unravel at every bump in the road, but because I'm consistently wary of which bump in the road will cause an episode.
More than often my anxiety exists in the worries that make it hard for me to sleep and concentrate in class. The accumulation of these stressors then triggers the full fledged panic attacks.
When I found out I had anxiety, I was pretty surprised. I mean I worry a lot, yeah, but doesn't everyone? I first had a panic attack in class, freshman year of college. I didn't expect it. All of a sudden, breathing was challenging, shallow, and quick. My chest felt like when elementary school teachers double knotted the top lace way too tight - no amount of squirming could release that tension. In my mind I could see black and white static racing between each other. I couldn't think, I was stressed, I was scared. This came out of nowhere.
But then again, I was the little girl crying in her dad's car because we left a minute later than we normally did for school, and therefore we would be late. Then again, I was the sophomore that worried until my stomach ached so bad, I became lightheaded. Then again, I was the girlfriend that begged to have him check in when he drove far, or late, or because it was Tuesday because I stayed up all night thinking he had crashed and I wouldn't be able to come help him. So maybe this anxiety came from somewhere?
Symptoms may get better or worse at different times, and often are worse during times of stress (National institute of Health). You see, the thing about anxiety is that it sneaks up on you. You know you worry, and you know you sometimes are a little extreme in your worries, but it's not everyday. I don't have a "List of Things That Stress Me Out" that I peer at each morning and consciously mull over until I'm sick. Some days I can recognize that life is stressful, but I am okay, joyful, and bubbly, and other days I have 100 stressors racing through my brain and overwhelming me.
Anxiety requires me to create some extra coping mechanisms. That means calling my friends and family when I'm anxious, even though they usually are unaware of my feelings. I find that just reveling in the random thoughts and concerns of the people I love is enough to relax. Maybe that's my inner Psychology minor? As cliche as this sounds, yoga actually helps. So does simply listening to music and sipping tea. Various levels of metal music relax me, but that's probably a less universal tip. I like dancing, structurally or randomly. Praying is always a sure answer. Anxiety requires me to remove myself from a situation for as long as permitted and consciously calm myself down.
Anxiety can potentially affect me at any and all times. But that doesn't make me weak or dramatic or sensitive. My personality is just a balance of being calm and my heightened worries- and that's what life with anxiety is actually like.
