Eating disorders. It's something no one likes to talk about, yet the media feeds the disorder all the time subconsciously. We grew up with it, and even if 90 percent of our generation did not get an eating disorder, we are all affected by it. The ones lucky enough to not get the disorder still have issues with accepting and loving themselves: saying that they need to lose weight, calling themselves fat, and constantly pointing out others for their "imperfect" bodies as well. Don't try to tell yourself that you are not affected by it and do not have thoughts crossing your mind occasionally, because you do. Even if you are a person who accepts everyone's body types, you still have to acknowledge in your mind that they are imperfect for one or multiple standards that society holds before you accept it.

Now, take these thoughts you have about yourself or others and multiply it by ten, and keep multiplying it by ten every year that you get older. That's what it's like to have an eating disorder. Whether it is anorexia or bulimia, the thoughts are the same. Now take a nine-year-old girl in third grade, and apply the every day thoughts and self-consciousness that people without eating disorders have and put it in her head. Let these thoughts continue in her head and multiply them by ten every year. She's now done eating at school completely by fifth grade and wears sweat coats a size too big. But that is progress for her because she lost weight and a year and a half ago she would wear sweat coats two sizes too big.

Fast forward to middle school: it's worse, but it seems she has gotten better. But it's worse because it is now embedded in her daily routines, they seem normal. No one even questions it because she now eats in the middle of the day at school instead of just dinner at home. Her appetite has increased because of puberty, but she still denies her hunger most of the time. In fact, she doesn't even feel the hunger pains anymore, they are nothing compared to the uneasiness she feels when she is eating and surrounded by more than three people. When she does eat she plays with her food or takes small bites, but not before looking around the room to make sure no one is looking in her direction to see her take a bite.

Another few years pass and her habits consume everything she does in life. As long as she keeps herself busy she won't have time to eat or even think about eating. And if she is doing nothing and gets hungry, she drinks water to settle her stomach. High school made it easy to be busy. Eat a little at lunch, but not without the uneasiness of being around people when she eats, that has now turned into complete fear and anxiety. Then after school, get ready for dance class and pushes herself so when she leaves every dance class throughout the rest of the day, she leaves feeling like jello knowing she exerted all her energy and calories that she ate today. Then only to go home, let herself eat dinner, but not without feeling guilty and hating every second of it, do homework, then go to bed. Then continue to repeat every day for the rest of high school.

I've read that eating disorders are hereditary, but also from habits you pick up from others who have Anorexia Nervosa. Over the summer I tried working on it and I educated myself on it to understand myself better. What I learned from it was that it is hard to actually cure, so chances are this will be something I have for the rest of my life. I will always have the obsessed thoughts, always see myself in warped and exaggerated views, and will realistically never be happy with myself enough to stop pushing myself to unrealistic limits. But even though it is a downfall, and there will be periods of time where it will get worse than it is, I do everything that I can to keep it to a level that is not detrimental to my health long term. And that's all I really can do at this point because I'm not going to let it stop me from building relationships with people, building up my career, or achieving a goal. I will never let anything hold me back.