In high school, I was diagnosed with chronic depression and high anxiety. Mental illness just became a part of my everyday world that I never noticed the difference when I was in a lighter or happier mood. It wasn't until college that I noticed that something was a little more extreme than just depression and anxiety. After going through counseling, bipolar disorder, or manic depression, became the new topic of discussion.
Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder characterized by manic and depressive episodes, usually lasting about a week at a time. Most people do not understand what I mean when I am in a manic or depressive episode, considering my manic episodes seem like my normal mood and my depressive episodes just seem like normal sadness to others, but bipolar disorder is so much more than a normal person's "moods".
1. Sometimes, you're in a manic episode.
My manic episodes usually consist of too much energy and an elevated mood. Most nights, I stay up all night because I simply have too much energy, and I cannot sleep. It usually takes me about three to four hours to fall asleep, and I only sleep a couple hours a night.
2. Sometimes, you're in a depressive episode.
My depressive episodes are finally being able to sleep, but then sleeping for 10+ hours without interruption. It's not showering or brushing my teeth for five days straight or brushing my hair for weeks. It's disgusting, (I am very well aware), but when you're so low that you cannot even get out of bed for literally anything, can you blame me?
3. Sometimes, you're in a "normal" episode.
Honestly, I do not know what these normal episodes are. I am normally a happy person with a positive attitude and outlook on life, but this can be mistaken as mania. I don't think I know what "normal" is.
4. Sometimes, your thoughts are racing so fast that you can't hear yourself think.
I find myself constantly trying to sort through my thoughts while attempting to take 18 credit hours, participate in extracurriculars, go to rehearsals, do my homework, etc. My body never stops, so my mind doesn't either.
5. Sometimes, I can't stop eating, and sometimes, I don't eat the entire day.
Some days, I will eat the normal three meals a day with no problem. Some days, I am so anxious and manic that I can't stop eating, or I simply have so much on my mind that I forget to eat. Some days, I am feeling so low that the only thing I can do is eat, or I simply can't do anything, even eat that day. (And yes, this process does result in weight gain and loss, which throws me into episodes of me thinking about my weight, which causes more problems. It's a never ending cycle).
6. Sometimes, I question if the people I love love me back.
Sometimes my episodes are so bad that I doubt if my family and friends love me through my episodes and struggles. Sometimes it's really hard for me to understand that others can love me through this disorder I struggle with every day. I question how my family and friends could love someone who sometimes has so much energy that he or she is hard to hang out with or sometimes just can't get out of bed or even take a shower.
But in the end, I know that there are people in my life who can somehow deal with all my episodes, and I am so grateful for these people in my life. I would be nothing the people who have taken on the challenge of helping me get through each and every day. I love you all.
“When you are mad, mad like this, you don't know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else's reality, it's still reality to you.” -- Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life
"What a creature of strange moods he is – always at the top of the wheel of confidence or at the bottom of an intense depression." -- Lord Beaverbrook (1874-1964)
