About a year and a half ago while I was living in Lexington, Kentucky for college, I thought I had met the guy that was going to be different than the rest.

We randomly met while I was out with a friend and he left a first impression that I could not shake. He was everything that a girl like me would dream of. Most of my friends describe me as sarcastic, outgoing, and social. He was the guy that could fire back with sarcasm, he was clever and charming, he loved adventure, and he could talk about just about anything. He was the total package or so I thought.

I fell fast and I fell hard. I found myself spending all of my free time with him and the first two months were great. We made a lot of great memories and I was genuinely happy. Unfortunately, there wasn't a happy ending.

The next year was rocky. There was a lack of communication on his part and for that, I could not fully trust him. I really tried to, but when your trust is tested time after time, it's incredibly hard to open up to someone. We may have been doomed from the start, who knows but I decided to spend the next year waiting and wishing for something that never would happen.

Until recently, the last eight months have been filled with sadness and struggle. I find myself constantly comparing every single guy I meet to this one guy and no one in my mind lives up to him, which if I really think about it, it's simply idiotic. Why would I want someone like him? Someone I couldn't trust? Someone who placed blame on me for his lack of communication? Someone who ran away when things got a bit difficult? I know that I'm guilty of things too and I can admit that, but trust is the biggest thing for me. By constantly comparing everyone to him, it hit me one day that I'm doing this because I'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt, I'm scared of having my heart broken again, and the biggest thing I'm scared of is being happy.

I realized this just recently, as I've started seeing someone new who was a bit alarmed by my lack of a "yes" or "no" answer when he attempted to define our relationship. I told him that we should revisit the conversation in a few weeks after spending some time apart due to distance. He couldn't understand where I was coming from and frankly, I couldn't either. The few days following that somewhat awkward conversation, I kept on thinking why I said what I did and it hit me. I'm scared of being with someone who makes me happy.

Happiness frightens me because I associate some of my life moments in which I was the happiest with him and he broke my heart. I'm afraid that if I let another man into my life, he will make me happy and leave. I've come to learn in the past few weeks that while my heart will probably be broken a few more times during my twenties and the rest of my life, I shouldn't run away from the chance of being happy. Can I be guarded? Absolutely. I have every right to be, but at the same time I shouldn't deny myself of happiness just because I'm scared. If I continue to deny myself of finding happiness and love, I'll only be disappointed in myself. I want to be with someone who makes me happy and to do so, I need to realize and convince myself that it's okay to be happy. It's really okay.