I'm really good at arguing. Since I was a little girl I can remember always being smart mouthed and arguing with anyone who questioned me. Unfortunately that hasn't always worked to my advantage. But I catch myself arguing with God too. Especially here lately when I have found myself at a crossroads that I'm not entirely sure how to navigate.
Have Your Voice Heard: Become an Odyssey Creator
Not terribly long ago I found myself at the bottom of this pretty large, dark pit. It was almost like I was walking along one day totally fine and then the next thing I knew I was at the bottom of this pit. Alone. I spent a few months in this pit and the whole time I just kept screaming and crying. I was screaming for help. I was praying someone would hear me. I was screaming because I was scared. I was screaming because I was sad. I was screaming because I was mad. I was mad at God. So for a few days all I did was scream at Him until He answered me.
I learned a few things while I was in this pit. On top of always being smart mouthed I have always been strong willed. I have never needed anyone. I have never needed help from anyone either. I have always been perfectly content with being on my own and being independent... in a sense. I have always been tough too. Too tough sometimes I think. But that's who I am. That's who I thought I was up until a few months ago. In a matter of days I turned into this mess of a person that I didn't recognize. Everything that I thought I was all this time was not at all who I was while I was in this pit.
This strong. independent, tough as nails girl that I have always tried to be, crumbled in this pit and then there I was alone trying to piece myself back together. I spent some time being mad at God while I was in this pit because I didn't understand why He had allowed me to fall in. I didn't understand what I had done to deserve the pain that I was feeling. I have always tried to be a good person. Maybe not always the crowd favorite, but I try to be a good person. I try to love everyone. I didn't understand how that had landed me in the mess that I found myself in a few months ago. So while I was in this pit trying to understand and trying to piece myself back together slowly, I argued with God.
I spent a lot of time being mad at Him then I realized that me being mad at Him wasn't getting me any closer to getting out of this darkness I was in. I finally decided that I should break down and ask for help. Which I'm not good at. I have never been good at asking for help. Maybe it's pride. Maybe I'm just stubborn. But I was out of options. I called out to God one day and I screamed at Him "What did I do to deserve this?! Have I pissed You off in some way?! Why are You hurting me?!" He was silent at first. But I was persistent with Him. "Answer me, God!!!": Finally, in the darkness of that pit that had become my home for a little while, I heard His voice clearly and unmistakable.
"Write. Just write." That's all He kept saying to me. I argued with Him though. I was in pain. I was scared and alone. How could I possibly write while I'm in this mess? Funny thing about God is, He's just as stubborn as I am. He kept telling me to write. I thought for a little while I was going crazy. I'm not entirely sure I'm not going crazy. But I did what He told me to do when I finally decided to get out of my own way and I have never been more sure about a decision in my life.
However, in the last few weeks I've been praying for His guidance once again. And although I'm not in that deep, dark pit anymore, the scars the fall left on my heart are still visible. I've been praying that God will heal them and in the midst of my confusion and worry God persistently keeps saying "Listen to Me and trust Me." I'm not good at either one of those things either.
I guess things happen sometimes in our lives and we just don't understand why they happened.... at the time. But then it turns out that later down the road when something incredible happens to us we look back on those really dark times and it's in that new light that we realize that the reason we had to go through those dark times is so we could enjoy the light of the future.
"Listen to Me and trust Me".